My cousin Fran Hill is best friends with the woman who makes Catherine Zeta Jones’s eyelashes. Her name is Kim Tinker. Over the years Kim has become a good friend to Catherine and is now one of her most trusted confidants. Last Tuesday I was fixing Fran’s toilet and I overheard her and Kim talking in the living room. Their conversation sparked my interest and I decided to record it. Below is an unaltered transcript of their conversation:

 

FH: And she does that every day?

KT: Yeah. She calls them the Pickle People. Can you believe it?

FH:(sighs) Its just so gross. 

KT: And thats not even the sickest part! After she finishes washing their heads she drains the preservation liquids and refills all the tanks. You have no idea how bad that liquid smells. Last week I went over after the midday feeding and she had spilled some fluid on her clothes. I almost threw up.

FH: How old are those guys?

KT:  At least two hundred. Maybe even more.

FH: I just don’t get why they even want to stay alive. Poor Catherine. Why doesn’t she just leave?

KT: That is what I keep telling her but she says its not that bad. She really loves him you know.

FH: I get why she takes care of Michael but all of his friends too? That is awful.

KT: Well Catherine told me it is not exactly the life that she had imagined but it could be a lot worse. She used to do soap operas.

FH: But she wouldn’t have to do that! She’s famous!

KT: Well she hasn’t been in any movies in a while and that rumor about her having no soul didn’t really help her career. 

FH: I never heard that one.

KT: Oh yeah. Everyone was saying that if you look into her eyes you can tell that she doesn’t have a soul.

FH: Wow. Is that true?

KT: Of course not!

FH: Oh. So hey I just thought of something. Do they…

KT: Do it?

FH: Yeah.

KT: Yeah.

FH: Really?

KT: Yeah. Virtually. She says its great. Better than the real thing. No mess.

FH: So… they what? Wear helmets and shit? 

KT: They have simulators. Yes. 

FH: So what do they do all day… when they aren’t having virtual sex? 

KT: Well, the Pickle People watch Michael Douglas movies all day and Catherine works on her poetry.

FH: Is she any good?

KT: Is she ever! She wrote me a haiku last time I was over. I think I have it here in my purse. (pause and shuffling of paper) Here it goes:

You bring my lashes/ Even when it is snowing/ You are my oak tree. 

FH: (crying softly) She is amazing.

KT: You have no idea.

 

(End of recording)