Free Relationship Advice From Amanda

1. Don’t even bother with guys named Chris who look around nervously while eating their mushroom chicken at the Olive Garden in Pomona. They have been fucking Stacy, the hostess, behind your back for eleven months.

2. Sears models named Jordan have Hepatitis.

3. If your boyfriend Kenny wants to play Twister, just say no. His feet smell like popcorn.

4. David’s face makes babies cry so…  obviously no future there.

5. Decline all invitations to eat at Steven’s house because the food isn’t that good and after you eat it he will ask you to put in for half of the grocery bill.

6. It doesn’t  matter that Albert’s mother is an adult film star but it might bother you that he has posters of her in his bedroom. I don’t know. Your call.

7. Don’t go for guys named Justin, Peter or Carl. They think Guitar Hero is a date.

8. If he wears tight sweaters and has strong arms and seems perfect, he probably is. Unless his name is Harold, in which case he is a jerk and will call you chunky in front of your whole family at Christmas.

9. Athlete’s foot takes a while to cure so you might want to let Hector take care of it before you date him and your feet start itching because you forgot to wear your flip-flops in his shower.

10. Don’t let Larry use your toothbrush. He will want to so you might have to hide it but trust me don’t even let him touch it. It will taste like garlic. Actually, don’t date Larry. He keeps food in his briefcase and lies about it and then gets mad at me when I ask what that smell is.


3 thoughts on “Free Relationship Advice From Amanda

  1. See… now I’m not sure if I’m terribly relieved that the name Bill wasn’t in there, OR horrified that we don’t even rate the notice… does this mean we are not a risky relationship, or simply that we’re not worth relating to.

    I may need to call Mother to see if she can repair my newly spasmodic ego.

    Excellent story!


  2. I really love this one. Its so funny I want to read it today at the show. It will make me look like I’m funny, when its really your writing, but you see I can take the credit. Get it?


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