Before leaving his apartment, Ramón checked himself once in the full length mirror on his closet door and then once again in the full length mirror in his hallway. His curly black hair was gelled to perfection, his tan a flawless orange glow. There were no stains on his tank top and his fly was closed. Ramón was ready to find himself a girlfriend.
First stop was the dog pound. Ramón had not been doing too well with the ladies recently and he wanted a little help bringing them in. After looking at cages of different breeds of beautiful dogs, Ramón decided on a skinny mutt. It was the most pitiful dog he had ever seen and in his mind a real lady magnet. He named him Marc Anthony. Leaving the pound, Ramón felt invincible.
After a short drive greatly lengthened by Marc Anthony’s constant yapping, they arrived at Melrose Avenue. The perfect place for finding hot young ladies. Getting out of the car, Ramón realized that Marc Anthony had pooped on the passenger seat of his ’91 Honda Civic. He was about to give the dog a beating when he remembered that Marc Anthony was going to be his ticket to eternal love. He searched his car for a plastic bag or a newspaper–anything to get the shit out of his car. He found a two week old Burger King bag that still had some fries inside. That would do. He grabbed the two pieces of warm, mushy shit, doing his best not to smear it all over the black leather seat. He was about to throw it on the ground when two cute brunettes crossed the street towards him, cooing over Marc Anthony.
Ramón waved them over with the shit bag hand, flashing them a huge smile. The girls got about five feet away from Ramón when the cuter girl made a stink face and pulled her friend in the other direction. Ramón called out to them, trying to explain what a moron Marc Anthony was, but the girls weren’t listening. They quickly walked away from him and got into their car. Ramón was a little bit bummed that his first encounter had gone so wrong, but after he found a trash can and got rid of the shit bag, he felt much better.
Just as he began walking down Melrose, a tall blond girl approached him, smiling down at Marc Anthony. She knelt down and began stroking the dog. “Oh my God! What a cute little doggie-woggie! Yes you are, yes you are.” Ramón stepped in towards the girl. He hoped she would smell his new cologne and want to be with him forever. He had moved in so close to her that her face was almost touching his upper right thigh. “Oh!”she screamed, and bounced up to her feet. She was much taller than Ramón. He liked girls who were at least five inches shorter than he was. Without saying a word, Ramón grabbed Marc Anthony, spun around and walked away from the crazy girl. Other people on the street had heard her scream and he wanted to get away from them too.
He stopped at the Starbucks on the next corner and sat at an outside table. He decided it was the perfect place to meet someone attractive and sane. Hopefully the Starbucks girls would see what a great catch he was. Ramón sat alone while cute girls came in and out of the door. None of them seemed to notice Ramón or his dog. He had just begun to feel a little discouraged, when a good looking older woman came over. She seemed like she had a tight body and Ramón decided that a woman with some experience might be a good thing for him. He smiled at her and she asked him what was wrong with his dog. He told her that the dog was fine. Just old and ready to die. The woman glared at him and walked away.
What was with people today? All the girls he had whistled at had ignored him and none of his smiles had been returned. Had he chosen the wrong place to look for girls? No. There were plenty of soul mates for him on Melrose. He checked his reflection in the giant front window of Starbucks to make sure his hair was still in place and his fly was still closed. They were both fine. Ramón couldn’t figure out why things weren’t going his way. He heaved a sigh and closed his eyes. He listened to the rustling of leaves, the scuffling of shoes on the concrete, and then he heard Marc Anthony’s heavy breathing beneath him. Ramón opened his eyes and smiled. Everything was going to be fine. Obviously he had just chosen the wrong dog.