Dear Santa (and God),
Please please please do NOT give my sister Margaret anything for Christmas. She is a total fucker. Sorry. She will probably tell you that I was the sinner and not her, but that is a LIE. Margaret used to play with me all the time, but ever since she got Elliot as a boyfriend she is so mean. All they do is laugh at me. Yesterday they were teasing me calling me “Poo Pile Paul” and Margaret said she had to draw some poo piles on my Taylor Swift folder.
I got mad and I hit her accidentally in the face with Elliot’s iphone. Then the iphone flew out of my hand and hit the wall. It wouldn’t turn back on and Margaret said I was stupid and in big trouble. I said sorry, but she didn’t care. She said that mom would tell Santa not to give me anything for Christmas. I begged her not to tell mom, but she did. Mom said “Paul no hitting! Go to bed without supper.” And that really sucked (sorry) because I set the table and it was spaghetti night and spaghetti is my favorite and Margaret got to have it and I didn’t. I think Margaret is going to Hell. Sorry, but am I right?
Also, um… Margaret has enough stuff. She doesn’t need any gifts. If you are going to give her something, please let it be something crappy like a book. Just don’t give her more presents than me ok? That’s what happened last year and I had to break one of her presents so it was fair. Also, please find a nice boyfriend for my mom that is better than Ted. All he does is drink Bud Light and watch Pawn Stars reruns on the couch. And he makes pisssss sounds with his mouth while he is peeing. I know because he never shuts the door. I told my mom and all she said was “Well, at least he’s consistent.”
He is no good. His shirts are too small for him and the bottom of his belly always pops out. When I see it, it makes me not want to eat my breakfast. My mom deserves better.
P.S. Please don’t forget to give me all of the stuff I want that I wrote about in my other letter. Amen.