Due to a recent discrepancy between myself and the Board of Psychology in the United States over a book I wrote called “If You Think You’re Fucked Up, Check Out My Patients!” I have decided to give myself a nice, long vacation in Russia. I am practicing psychology here now, where there is no such thing as doctor/ patient confidentiality. It has taken me awhile to acquire patients. Most people here either don’t speak English or if they do, they don’t seem to think they need my help. I have had the good fortune of running into a woman named Anoushka at a welfare center here in Moscow. She invited me to stay with her and her husband Dimitri in exchange for my services.

Anoushka and Dimitri have been in a long distance relationship for years. Not the romantic kind of long distance relationship where lovers live far apart from each other, keep each other’s dirty clothes under their pillows, have skype sex, and try their hardest to make things work. The other kind. The kind where two people live under one roof, sleep inches away from each other, yet could not be farther apart. Anoushka and Dimitri stopped trying to make things work a long time ago. Neither of them could tell you exactly when things began to go wrong, but they could each easily tell you who is to blame.

Anoushka is slightly obese and bald on the right side of her head. She blames both her obesity and baldness on stress from living in a crappy relationship for so long. Anoushka feels that no one else will have her, and that she is stuck with Dimitri for the rest of her life. She is bitter about this, and treats him like shit. Then she feels guilty about it and eats. I asked Anoushka what she wanted most out of life and she replied: “I want for Dimitri die so I can sleep in middle of bed.”

Dimitri’s situation is similar. He is blind in one eye and has the shakes. For years he had provided for Anoushka and himself working on an assembly line at the Russian Mattel factory dressing Barbie dolls. One day, the conveyer belt went haywire and a screw got loose and flew into Dimitri’s eye. Since then, he and Anoushka have been living on disability. Since Anoushka does not work, they are together all day every day. Dimitri says that he can only tolerate Anoushka when he is drunk. So Dimitri drinks all day every day. That is how he got the shakes.

Anoushka eats and Dimitri drinks and things are not getting better. They have no children or pets and there are still mashed potatoes on the carpet from dinner last Thursday. They have been together for seventeen years, but they haven’t had a real conversation in about eight years. They haven’t had sex in over ten. Anoushka says that Dimitri won’t have sex with her because she is fat and bald. Dimitri agrees. I understand where he is coming from.

After listening to them complain about each other for three weeks, I decided they both needed to get laid. I suggested they watch some pornography to inspire them in the bedroom. They are open to my advice and attempted to have sex last night, but I had to ask them to stop. It was very uncomfortable for me because their apartment is only one room. I am sleeping on the floor next to their bed. Last night Anoushka rolled over in her sleep and almost fell on top of me. Maybe they should just get a divorce.