Dear Cindi,

I read a book and now I know that fear is for the weak. I am going to face life’s obstacles with my head. I am tired of asking you out and you saying “hell no.” You think you’re so clever. You think you know everything. Well I bet you don’t know what I did… I kidnapped your mother! That’s right! And I am not giving her back unless you agree to going on two “real dates” with me. In public.

You know, it was difficult to get your mother out of that place where you had her in, but I did it. I said I was your brother and they bought it. Obviously. Because I am looking at her right now. She is rearranging the furniture in my pool house. She talks a lot. Is that why you put her away? She keeps asking me if I have seen Invictus. She says it’s the best movie she has ever seen. I keep saying I have not seen it, but she doesn’t seem to remember. By the way, is your mom Jewish? Are you Jewish? Maybe I kidnapped the wrong mom. Sike! I’m not really anti-you guys.

This morning at breakfast I told your mom I wanted to date you and she asked me who you were. Then she said we should go see Invictus. Did you know that your mom is very difficult? I am having trouble meeting all her needs and I am considering hiring help. I’m also probably going to have to quit my job to take care of her full time. Anyways, seeing as how I’ve invested so much of my “self” in your mother’s well being, if you want to pay for dinner one or both of the nights we go out that would be great. Let us make the best of times out of this tragedy. I know you are right for me.

All my love, Rick