Let me just start out by saying this: I want to marry you. Nothing would make me happier. Now, that being said, there is just one thing I want you to know about me.

If you were dead and I was hungry, I would eat you. I wouldn’t kill you to eat you, but if you were dead and not yet rotten, as sad as I would be, I would eat you. And it wouldn’t be some random, desperate, hurried bites of frozen you that I would eat to keep myself alive. I would really eat you. I would size you up, figure out where the best meat was, marinate you, season you, and cook you. I just think you should know this about me. I’ve never been one of those “I’m too sad to eat” kind of people. I don’t care what happens. I’m eating. I am a beast.

But I love you and I cant wait to marry you.

I’m only bringing this up now because I want to take you to Hawaii for our honeymoon and I started thinking about hiking and getting lost and running out of food. Then I thought about those pigs that they cook on a stick over the fire and I thought of you. Just for a second. You know, it was just a flash of me cooking you, but I’m sure things will be fine. They’ll be great. People come back from their honeymoons all the time.

So what do you think? Will you marry me?