It’s great seeing you so happy. Really. You had us worried for a bit last year, but ever since you met Lincoln, wow. You’re so nice to be around. It’s like your whole life is worth it now. Be careful. Here’s the thing. Lincoln’s going to propose to you this weekend while you guys are at Tahoe, and I don’t think I’m ready. He wanted to surprise you, so I had to tell you. There’s something you don’t know about him.
I have now had eight different dreams where I’m being chased by a dinosaur with Lincoln’s eyes. He’s not just trying to eat me like a regular dinosaur, this is way scarier. He knows exactly who I am and he just wants to kill me. What’s up with that? Has he ever done anything like that to you?
Eight dreams about him killing me don’t just come out of nowhere. Now that you’ve thought about it, don’t you feel like there’s something in his eyes that looks a little like a killer? I don’t know if I want to see that for the rest of your life. I’m not saying run, but… maybe run?
Well, I hope you have a great time at Tahoe. Lemme know what you say. If its no, do you want to come with me and Joe to see Adele? We bought one extra ticket for you.
Love you bunches,
I think you should know about this yogurt I ate last night. It was coconut soy delight and the texture was exactly like old, hard, jello. It didn’t taste like anything to me, but I’m sure you would have been able to taste the coconut because you hate it so much. I wish you could have tasted it. I tried to punch up the flavor by adding honey and cinnamon, but it was late and I wasn’t wearing my glasses. I ended up adding honey and black pepper. That did not improve the taste. However, as I said, it was late, I was hungry and I didn’t want to wake anyone by cooking something, so I decided to try and salvage it. Luckily, because of its gelatinous consistency, I was able to scoop off the very top where I had added the pepper and remove almost all of it. I rinsed off my spoon and added more honey and actual cinnamon this time. I grabbed my yogurt and quietly tiptoed out of the kitchen. Just as I was making my way back up the stairs, I knocked over a screwdriver that was on the banister and it fell onto the stairway, bouncing and making a loud bang with each step it hit on its way down to the hardwood floor, where it rolled around for what felt like ten minutes. I just stood there watching it, hoping no one else had heard it. I got back in bed and ate my yogurt quietly. It still tasted terrible to me and I can only imagine what it would have been like for you.
Great going taking down your Facebook page, fucker. I told everybody I was pregnant and you missed it. Well, surprise. I just found out two days ago. I think I’m like 5 or 6 months- it’s hard to tell. I heard you work at Best Buy now. Hook me up! I’m still pissed at you for not giving me that loan, but I’m trying to let it go so you can help me with this shit like a real friend. I feel like you’re always pregnant. Did you and Ramon really mean to have four kids? You always say yes, but anyways, question- What is your favorite drink for when you’re pregnant? Right now all I’m liking is vodka cranberries. Seriously- I drank half a mimosa the other day and then puked it. I don’t know what’s up with me. Oh I remember what I wanted to ask you- How long do you have to wait before the doctor can change the baby’s sex? My sister says mine’s a boy for sure and she’s pissed. She doesn’t want to be an uncle. I really hope you can help me out with being pregnant. I don’t have anyone else. I mean I have my family and I have Derrick, but I don’t want them. I want you to be here. I need groceries and a new blue ray. When can you come? Oh- and where do I get that wheelchair sticker for the car?
To Whom It May Concern,
I have known Jacob Evans for two years, since he was a student in my Advanced Spanish Language class. He exhibited signs of excellence at sixteen and has since matured into a man of stunning intellectual strength. He came to Claremont High with a rare curiosity for life that has only blossomed over time.
In class, his readings of Pablo Neruda’s poetry were subtle, insightful and the way the r’s roll off of Mr Evans’ tongue left little to the imagination when it came to his work ethic. In one of his papers, he wrote about the historical significance of the burrito in a way that showed he grasped the cultural depth of Mexico. He also exhibited great creative strength. For one assignment, he mimed the entire Mexican Revolution, leaving his classmates sighing “Dios mio.” At the end of the semester, his musical presentation of La Cucaracha helped the class understand the beauty of the Spanish language in a way I’ve never been able.
Since that time, Mr Evans has made several trips to both Tijuana and Rosarito beach. Will his zest for life and appreciation of the Mexican culture never cease?! These trips have turned Mr Evans into a well-traveled man, who will no doubt be taking college by storm.
Personally, I find Jacob Evans to be an honest, well-built, charismatic person, whose self-motivation and solid form are admired by peers and supervisors alike. I strongly recommend him, and I am happy to provide photos or more details if you wish.
Spanish Language Department Chair
Oh man Danny, I can’t believe I live in Cleveland. There are like zero Latinas here. You know, they try, but no other kind of girl gets my attention quite like a Latina. I know I’m married, but I’m so unhappy. I’m so tired of American women. It’s like they just want me to eat breakfast and go to work and make sure the kids are buckled up. I get it!
I’m ready for something new. I’ve always heard good things about foreign women… Is it true? I need to know. What is Daniela? She looks like a lot of stuff mixed together. But she’s definitely got some Latina. I can tell by how she makes me feel. Don’t worry I’m not going after your girl. But where can I get one like that?
I’m not trying to be shallow. But, I do have kinda high standards. I’m looking for the sexy, voluptuous type. Like a young Salma Hayek type would be nice. There’s this one teacher at Megan’s school that I got my eye on. She’s got the accent and everything. She does that thing where I get turned on when she gets mad. I’ve been trying to get something started with her, but my family basically ruined that. They get in the way of everything I want.
You gotta help me out man.
Let me know what you come up with.
Happy Birthday! I’m really sorry your party got cancelled on Saturday. Does Alex really have lice? Eew. My mom said you’re gonna get it too for sure. Are you sad about not getting your party? I am.
Well, I’m writing to cheer you up and tell you I got you a really good gift.
It’s bangles and stickers and lip-gloss and a backpack of Elsa from Frozen. It’s blue with glitter and when you squeeze Elsa’s face it plays “Let It Go.”
Stephanie… I want the backpack.
My mom said it’s not your fault the party got cancelled and I’m not mad at you. But still, I didn’t get to go. We’re coming by later to drop off you your gift and I think you should open it and then say you want me to have the backpack. Because of how much I love Elsa. I know you do too, but not as much as me. And I mean, it’s not even your birthday anymore.
You’re such a good friend. I know you’ll do the right thing.
P.S. What are you guys going to do with all the party favors?
Thank you for your email. Yes, I do want to marry you. I’m sure. And it’s not because of all your money. I actually love you. I have no problem signing your prenup. In fact, I have something for you to sign as well. Basically, it says that when the police find my dead body, they should question you first. I don’t think you’re going to kill me, but statistically if someone’s going to kill me, it’s you. And I just want you to be investigated.
By signing my agreement you’re saying “I’m on board with that!” There’s a lot of fine print here and I don’t think you need to read it all. It just gets into the specifics of different ways my body might be found and some sample questions the police should ask. Like, “Oh so we’re supposed to believe that your wife hit herself on the head with a bat?” Obviously I’m just ball-parking it. No one really knows what’s going to happen. I just have this feeling. You know?
Shawna thinks I’m nuts for marrying you, but I told her I love you. You don’t choose who you fall in love with, right?
I wrote down as many scenarios of my murder as I could think of and I added a suggested response from you for each. Most are obvious like: if I’m shot, you should ask the police to test your hands for gunpowder residue. Some are less about you being tried and convicted and more about you feeling my pain. Like if I’m drowned, I suggested you have Pierre hold your head under water for two minutes so you know what I went through.
Let me know if you have any suggestions – I may have gotten a bit “Romeo and Juliet” on a few. Like, you don’t actually have to drink the poison, but I think we should have some just in case you can’t live without me. Please have the papers signed and get them back to my lawyers by Friday.
Your loving fiancé, Joanne
You’re moving back to LA? That’s great man! What’s it been like twelve and a half years?! Wow. I just want you to know you can come stay with me if you want. I promise my kids won’t get in our way. If you’re the guy I remember, my kids will never be as important to me as you are.
I’ve missed you a lot. Every time I see a good bromance I think about you. I feel like that’s what we had, but we didn’t get to call it that! Are you still honest and trustworthy? Enough with all the secrets, right? I want us to be friends for life, so I hope you’re still in good shape. I’d prefer you to be off drugs, but I’m willing to hear your side of the story.
The only deal breaker for me is if you’ve turned into an overeater. I kind of have a weight problem now. If you’re eating all the time, I know I will too. Also, I’m not supposed to have salt, so you’ll want to try and stop me from having any. I really should be working out, but I need some motivation. I like swimming and jogging, so if I were you I’d try to get me to do those first. People tell me I’m depressed, but the truth is I’m up for pretty much anything. It’s just that it can be hard to get me out of bed. (You remember.)
Sometimes with me it’s all about how you ask. You’ll figure it out.
I have two weekly commitments you should know about. One is my fantasy football league on Thursday evenings and the other is a private thing I do all day on Saturday. The football league is really exciting and I wish you could come with me, but… someone has to look after Richie (my youngest) while I’m gone. So…
I’ll need that on Saturdays as well. You should clear your schedule because it really is all day every Saturday.
Well, that’s pretty much it. How are you doing? If you want to grab a couple six packs and some Tide on your way over that’d be great. I can’t wait to see you man.
I have new idea for the Liam Nissan. I still think you should make all my other ideas, but make this one for sure.
Introducing: The Liam Nissan Run All Night.
Seriously it doesn’t even sound like a movie- it sounds like a car! I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but it kind of feels like me and the movie people are doing all the work for you. I’m just trying to help you. I feel like… I don’t know. Maybe your cars are safe and maybe they aren’t. That’s not the point. The point is the Liam Nissan feels like the safest car on the road.
Still waiting for your call,
I’ve come up with your next campaign. I don’t know who has been doing your other campaigns, and I don’t want to step on any toes, but when a great idea hits you, sometimes you gotta just roll with it. So without further ado, I present:
The Liam Nissan
As you will soon see, the possibilities are infinite and the results are epic.
Here we have the Liam Knows Best
Followed by the always classy Liam Pensativo
Next is the I’m So Taken With Liam
And of course, let’s not forget, A Whole Lotta Liam.
Obviously this is just the beginning. Call me.