Just A Guy Looking for Love

“Just A Guy Looking for Love”

Hello ladies,

The title says it all…but it doesn’t say everything.

This guy right here is not one that can be easily defined.

I love crime, war and fighting movies, but I’m 100% against all types of violence. Even necessary violence.

I’m curious and filled with wonder and I’m looking to explore you. I know all about geography if you know what I mean.

I weigh between 150-200 lbs. or so and I am one of the most balanced people around.

This guy right here is hard working. I’m not kidding. You should see me chop vegetables. I think people get scared away because of how much I’ve got going for me. They think I’m too good to be true.

So luckily… I’m still not taken! But I am a limited edition one-time offer. If you think you’re not good enough for me… well, you might not be.

Let’s get caught in a snowstorm together and find out!

Full disclosure: I love breasts. I think it’s because to me, they’re so feminine. They always make me think of women.

I’m manly, but full of surprises. Do you know how open I am? I bet you can’t wait to find out!

You’d better hurry.

True happiness awaits!



Primitive Survival Skills

Dear Tyler,

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I feel like we’re headed in different directions. I’m not saying we should break up, but I am looking for something else.

I mean… do you have any primitive survival skills at all?

I really don’t think you could make a fire. Surviving is all about believing in yourself and I just don’t feel that way about you. Like I’ve never killed a snake in person before, but I’m 100% sure I can do it. I know it’s hard for some people, but it’s easy for me. I can tell.

It just doesn’t seem fair. We’d have this amazing snake meal that would just be ruined because you can’t make fire.

Do you remember last week when I asked you to go up on the roof and clean the leaves out of the gutters and you said it was a bad idea because it was raining? I just can’t see myself committing long-term to someone who is so afraid of life.

How are you going to protect me? I feel like we’ll be out in the jungle and on the first day you’re going to eat poisonous berries and die and I’ll be all alone and pissed. I can’t believe how unprepared you are.

I definitely don’t think you’re a worthless person in general, but I see myself with more of a taller, survivor type of guy.

Can you even open a coconut?

Well anyway, let me know if you want me to pick up some Thai food on the way home.



Surprise Party

Dear Mr. Wellington,

My name is Danny Harper. I’ve had my account with the GRB Credit Union for two years now, and I’m mostly happy with your services. I’m writing today to inquire about a small personal loan. I need $750.

Recently my mom broke her hip and now she’s in the hospital. I don’t need the money for medical bills- her insurance covers that. I really want to do something nice for her birthday. A GREAT surprise! I mean all out, with firecrackers and a stripper. She’ll NEVER see it coming. I know you’re probably thinking that’s not the kind of party a mom would enjoy, but trust me; it will shock her pants off. And that’s what I want to see.

My mom loves surprises. One time my dad had a surprise party for her on the beach. Another time, he surprised her with a trip to Italy. I want this to be just like that!

There’s a stripper named Lalissa Fremont that would be perfect to hire. I don’t know another stripper as thoughtful and creative as Lalissa. We met by chance at her work, and I can’t stop thinking about her. I think hiring her to strip for my mom’s party would help Lalissa to see that there’s more to the world than stripping in nightclubs. There are much safer places to strip. Lalissa said she’d work my mom’s party for $500. I’m asking for $750 so that I’ll have money for the firecrackers, the Diet Dr. Pepper and for VIP treatment.

I do have a few questions regarding the loan. Will you be giving me the full amount, or do you want to hire Lalissa directly? I can’t promise that she will give you as good a deal as she is giving me. Also, I know there are different types of loans. Do you guys give a type of loan that’s a gift?

Please let me know soon. Time is of the essence.


Re: Roommate Needed:

Dear SpiritKitty69,

Am I too late? I hope not, because if you are still looking for a roommate, then you are in luck. I am exactly what you are looking for. I am not black, but I am open to it.
I am clean and somewhat fit and very physically available. Really, I am the opposite of disappointment. I am a casually gentle guy who knows his way around the kitchen (once I have been in it for awhile). I am totally normal and I love to roughhouse and wrestle. I especially love to wrestle. I have extremely strong inner thigh muscles that you have to watch out for. If I get a hold of you, my fuzzy golden sleep lock will put you out for hours. Is there a designated roughhousing area of the apartment or is it just all over?
I am potentially the best friend you will ever have. I am flexible, timid and unique. You wont regret having me around. I am a member of Netflix and I can grant you access to unlimited hours of watching Scrubs on the couch.
I hope your couch is comfortable, because sometimes they aren’t.
Don’t worry; I am not the kind of roommate that will go sleep in my own room. I don’t even have a bed!
If you choose me to be your roommate, I will prove to you that I walk the walk. I am a do-er not a thinker! But don’t worry, I will never lock you up. I will let you leave whenever you want to. I fucking hate slavery!

Call me!


Roommate Needed

If you’re reading this, I am still looking for a housemate. Please only respond if you are neat, drama free, single… and black. Race does not matter to me at all, but please be black. Also, must be open-minded.

Ideal housemate would be a funny, warm, educated, professional, beefy/athletic or at least somewhat fit man. I’m definitely looking for someone shy… or outgoing. Someone to have fun with, laugh with, and roughhouse with – a pal to chill with and a potential best friend. I’m open to being soul mates as well. But really, just friends is fine too.

Please do not contact me unless you are a normal person. You know what I mean. Regular normal. Not crazy normal. An emotionally and physically available, passionate man. It is okay if you are a foreigner, but please be black. For some reason Ukranian men keep replying to this ad. If you are not black PLEASE do not respond!

I’m smart and kind, and full of life. I don’t need any more disappointment. I am unique and virtuous. You must be as well. I like to work as a team. You do the dishes and I’ll dry them. Or, you know… I just don’t want this to be one of those roommate situations where you go sleep in your room and I sleep in mine.

I’m ready for some new adventures. Maybe we fall asleep in the living room watching Scrubs some nights- I don’t know. I have more canned goods than anyone you have ever met I promise. Really it’s like a store over here! Email me. There will be gifts.



Dear Sheila

Dear Sheila,

Earlier today you squeezed yourself into my cubicle uninvited and asked me if you could borrow Walter Matthau to impress Don from accounting. Well, no. You cannot borrow my cat. I don’t care if you think owning a cat would make you seem more sexy Hello Kitty to Don. I wouldn’t lend Walter out to anyone- especially not you. I would have told you this to your face if I had been able to breathe. Your perfume is so strong that when you are around my eyes cross. Frankly I find it frightening that you think it is okay to wear so much. I have a lot to say about that, but in the interest of saving trees, I will stick to the point, which is: NO. I will never let you borrow my cat.

Why? Let’s see… How about the fact that you openly hate cats and don’t tell me you don’t eat them. You call them meat on a string. You don’t even think of them as human. You didn’t laugh when I showed you the picture of Walter Matthau wearing my sweater. Everyone fucking laughs at that picture. Last year at Edgar’s birthday party I saw you kick his cat Floppy when he was just trying to walk by you. You were blocking his way to the litter box. That is his fucking bathroom! How stupid are you?

But please, let’s put your animal abuse aside and take a look at the larger picture of you. Still pretty awful. You are definitely the worst person on the 10th floor. Even worse than Jeffrey who we all think is a serial killer. I still like him better than you. You are a thief and a liar. I saw you take Valerie’s curried rice out of the fridge, heat it up, taste it, spit it back in the carton and shove it right back in the fridge. I would have said something, but again, the perfume.

I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to stand up to you face to face. I hope this letter is enough. Honestly I don’t even know if you can read. But on the off chance that you do get all the way to the bottom of my letter, I would like to say that after three years of working together you have never ever ever said my name right. My name is not dog. It’s Doug.



Some Things Don’t Burn

Dear mom,

I learned how to light a match today at Andy’s house! Did you know that some things don’t burn? Like pennies. Pennies don’t burn! They just get hot and black. Notebook papers do burn see the bottom of this letter? Books burn too I think, but it didn’t work on the book I tried. There was just a black circle- but no fire. I really like fire! Don’t worry I’m being very careful.

Today I also tried ojinuh. It is Korean octopus that is dried like beef jerky. It is Andy’s favorite food so I tried it even though it looks gross. Guess what? I really like it!

The best way to eat it is to suck off the salt and then throw away the rest.

I put some in my backpack for you to try next week when I’m at your house. I’m not giving any to dad though because after he made me do all of my math homework, he made up extra math problems for me to do too. It was so mean. Then I said “Fine I’m done now. Can I go watch Fringe?” But he said “Hang on let’s see how you did.” Well I did good on some and others I got wrong and when dad explained them to me I rolled my eyes and he got mad at me. Now I am in my room and I don’t know if we are still going to have pizza for dinner or if we are going to have something sucky like swordfish because dad is mad. If dad tries to tell you that I was being a brat, well, at least you know the truth.

By the way, Andy invited me to go to Las Vegas with his family next weekend. Can I go? I don’t have to ask dad because I will be with you that week… so can I?

You are invited to come too, but I don’t think that there is anything there for you to do. It’s mostly swimming and games for kids. I hope you have a nice dinner tonight.

Love, Kevin

Elementary Letter

Elementary Letter

Dear Julie,

Mrs. Sherman is making the whole class write you letters because you moved to Kenya Africa. I can’t believe you are IN Kenya! Did a giraffe really lick your face? That is what Caroline told everyone. I wish you were still at school, but don’t ever come back. Jessica told everyone you smell like Cup-O-Noodles and now everyone is laughing at you. Even me! I’m sorry but I can’t help it because it is true. Justin said you smell like that because you have a big booty. Then he said “Julie’s butt is so big you can see it from the front!” Is that true? I don’t remember your butt from the front.

I am sorry everyone is making fun of you, but you wouldn’t want to come back anyway because the classes are a lot harder this year and you know you are not really good at school. What is school like in Kenya? I think it is hard. Don’t be sad if you don’t have any friends. I will still be your friend even though you are so far away. I will write to you again even though I don’t have to. If you want to be my pen pal then write me back! Maybe you could send me something nice from Kenya.

PS: I really didn’t want you to go.

Sincerey, Olive


Dear Cindi,

I read a book and now I know that fear is for the weak. I am going to face life’s obstacles with my head. I am tired of asking you out and you saying “hell no.” You think you’re so clever. You think you know everything. Well I bet you don’t know what I did… I kidnapped your mother! That’s right! And I am not giving her back unless you agree to going on two “real dates” with me. In public.

You know, it was difficult to get your mother out of that place where you had her in, but I did it. I said I was your brother and they bought it. Obviously. Because I am looking at her right now. She is rearranging the furniture in my pool house. She talks a lot. Is that why you put her away? She keeps asking me if I have seen Invictus. She says it’s the best movie she has ever seen. I keep saying I have not seen it, but she doesn’t seem to remember. By the way, is your mom Jewish? Are you Jewish? Maybe I kidnapped the wrong mom. Sike! I’m not really anti-you guys.

This morning at breakfast I told your mom I wanted to date you and she asked me who you were. Then she said we should go see Invictus. Did you know that your mom is very difficult? I am having trouble meeting all her needs and I am considering hiring help. I’m also probably going to have to quit my job to take care of her full time. Anyways, seeing as how I’ve invested so much of my “self” in your mother’s well being, if you want to pay for dinner one or both of the nights we go out that would be great. Let us make the best of times out of this tragedy. I know you are right for me.

All my love, Rick

Waiting for a Call

Dear Samantha,

First off, let me just start with the good news and say OMFG your wedding is TOMORROW!!!! Can you believe it? The bad news is I can’t go. Don’t worry, you will know why after you read this email. The thing is, I met a guy today at Kmart when I was looking for your present. His name is J’on. He is pretty fine and tall and looks sort of like Mike, but with less pimples. (Don’t worry I’m sure the Proactiv will work soon.) Is he going to wear make up for the pictures tomorrow? Gay. LOL just kidding or else he wouldn’t be marrying you!

Anyway, J’on and me were talking and we realized we were both single! He was a smooth talker he said he liked my thick booty and my pretty eyes. I gave him my number and he said he would call me tomorrow. I said ok and I didnt realize til after he was gone that your wedding is tomorrow too! I don’t think I’ll be able to hear my phone during the ceremony so I think I should just stay at my house.

I know we already rehearsed the dance and got the bridesmaid dress to fit me, but my cousin Erin said she would do it for me. Don’t worry she is a really fast learner. You can just go over the dance steps with her tomorrow before the ceremony or something. She is a little fatter than me and when she tried to put on the dress you bought me the zipper broke but the good news is she still fits into her dress from prom and it is blue too so don’t worry.  Alright girl well have fun on your BIG day tomorrow. Wish me luck!!

Love you, Heidi

Hey P!S!!! Save me some cake!