Vodka Cranberries

Dear Mona,

Great going taking down your Facebook page, fucker. I told everybody I was pregnant and you missed it. Well, surprise. I just found out two days ago. I think I’m like 5 or 6 months- it’s hard to tell. I heard you work at Best Buy now. Hook me up! I’m still pissed at you for not giving me that loan, but I’m trying to let it go so you can help me with this shit like a real friend. I feel like you’re always pregnant. Did you and Ramon really mean to have four kids? You always say yes, but anyways, question- What is your favorite drink for when you’re pregnant? Right now all I’m liking is vodka cranberries. Seriously- I drank half a mimosa the other day and then puked it. I don’t know what’s up with me. Oh I remember what I wanted to ask you- How long do you have to wait before the doctor can change the baby’s sex? My sister says mine’s a boy for sure and she’s pissed. She doesn’t want to be an uncle. I really hope you can help me out with being pregnant. I don’t have anyone else. I mean I have my family and I have Derrick, but I don’t want them. I want you to be here. I need groceries and a new blue ray. When can you come? Oh- and where do I get that wheelchair sticker for the car?

Later, Tina

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Sex Questions

I already know my parents do it.

I was supposed to be home at eight last night, but I got back early because James’s mom was too tired to cook. She got us a bucket of crispy chicken instead and we ate it way faster than regular food. She dropped me off at like 7:30. Anyway, I said “hey” when I walked in the door, but nobody answered, so I went upstairs and that’s when I heard ‘em. I thought it would be cool to watch. It wasn’t.

The worst part is, my mom saw me. She didn’t say anything last night, but this morning after my dad got up from breakfast to go poop, mom said “hey Donny you know you can ask me anything right?”

And I was like “Aww, man.”

And she was like “I mean it Donny. Anything. Your dad too.”

And I was just thinking please stop talking, please stop talking, but she just had to keep talking. She said, “you know, like all your sex questions.”

Then dad shouted from the bathroom “hey what are you guys talking about?”

I yelled “nothing,” but then mom yelled, “Donny has questions about sex!”

Then it got quiet and dad said “Cheryl do we really have to do this now? I mean the boy’s only nine.”

So I said “I’m ten.”

And he said “okay so what do you want to know?” and then he flushed the toilet.

I said “nothing,” and then mom said, “honey, Donny was watching us make love last night.”

So anyway, that’s why I’m here. So I don’t get traumatized. The thing is, I don’t feel bad. I could barely see anything, that’s why I was at the door for so long. And I really don’t have any sex questions. I mean, not for them. What they were doing didn’t look anything like the porn I watch at James’s house. We figured out the code to unlock all the good channels. I have questions for some of those people.

There’s a lot of weird shit out there. You know?

Free Relationship Advice From Amanda

1. Don’t even bother with guys named Chris who look around nervously while eating their mushroom chicken at the Olive Garden in Pomona. They have been fucking Stacy, the hostess, behind your back for eleven months.

2. Sears models named Jordan have Hepatitis.

3. If your boyfriend Kenny wants to play Twister, just say no. His feet smell like popcorn.

4. David’s face makes babies cry so…  obviously no future there.

5. Decline all invitations to eat at Steven’s house because the food isn’t that good and after you eat it he will ask you to put in for half of the grocery bill.

6. It doesn’t  matter that Albert’s mother is an adult film star but it might bother you that he has posters of her in his bedroom. I don’t know. Your call.

7. Don’t go for guys named Justin, Peter or Carl. They think Guitar Hero is a date.

8. If he wears tight sweaters and has strong arms and seems perfect, he probably is. Unless his name is Harold, in which case he is a jerk and will call you chunky in front of your whole family at Christmas.

9. Athlete’s foot takes a while to cure so you might want to let Hector take care of it before you date him and your feet start itching because you forgot to wear your flip-flops in his shower.

10. Don’t let Larry use your toothbrush. He will want to so you might have to hide it but trust me don’t even let him touch it. It will taste like garlic. Actually, don’t date Larry. He keeps food in his briefcase and lies about it and then gets mad at me when I ask what that smell is.