Prescription Sunglasses


The thing about sunglasses that I’ve always loved is that they make my already poor vision even worse, and in doing so, they make the world look a whole lot better. Including me. This is especially true when they are scratched up or dirty. Everyone has perfectly smooth skin and a year round tan. No one looks older than twenty-five and my car never needs to be washed. Yes, with my sunglasses on it is dare I say, a perfect world. Or it was anyway.

Today I picked up my very first pair of prescription sunglasses. Once the initial awe of being able to see during the day wore off, I realized that this might not have been such a good idea. Before, when I put my sunglasses on, no matter how shitty I felt, I always looked better. My pimples went away, my clothes all matched, and was it just my imagination or did I actually lose five pounds? With the new glasses, I look in the mirror and I just see me wearing big glasses. I see everything. And World, this does not work in your favor either. I am sorry to say that Superman and I do not have as much in common as you thought. The more I see, the more I judge.

That “hot” guy at Starbucks that always gives me a few extra shots of chai for free… well I’m not so sure I want them now. I don’t know if I want him anywhere near my drinks at all. I look at the retouched photo of Jessica Alba on the cover of my Cosmo. She still looks pretty good, but she is nothing like she used to be. Photoshop just can’t compare to my old sunglasses. I guess I never realized just how bad my vision had gotten. It happened so slowly. I thought I was just naturally developing a better attitude towards the world. Now I know things only seemed better because I am partially blind.

On the upside, I am now a much safer driver. So if you were worried about me hitting you with my big truck, then you are probably glad I added the prescription to my glasses. I can see stop signs before I run through them. I see now that it is a family with small children crossing in front of me and not an obese woman with a lot of legs. It’s true, before the new glasses, I would have probably scared the crap out of you, slamming on my brakes, coming within inches of crushing you. I could easily have run you over. But in my defense, you would have looked damn good while I did it.