No Big Deal

Every Wednesday night, my husband and I have friends over to our house for dinner. Sometimes we play games, sometimes we make art, but no matter what, every evening ends up in some pretty interesting conversation. We’ve grown close and since most of us are not from Seattle, we’ve become a home away from home for each other. We talk about our lives, what we did that week, and who’s been pissing us off. Sometimes our conversations take on recurring themes and though the evenings come to an end, the topics come right back to life the following Wednesday.

One such topic was sparked by a comment I made one night about not understanding why cannibalism was such a big deal. I get why murder is a big deal, but if the person is already dead, what’s the problem? I told my friends that if we were stranded somewhere together and one of them died, I would have no problem eating that person. They had A LOT of questions for me and this became a popular dinnertime conversation.

A while back, I was visiting my mom in L.A. and I told her about it. I wondered if she would think of me differently. I said “Mom, I’ve thought about this a lot and I feel pretty sure that I could eat a person if I had to. Even someone I knew. So if I die and you’re starving, I just want you to know, it’s totally fine with me if you eat me.”

My mom looked at me smiling and said, “Honey, I don’t need your permission.”


Like this story? Check out The Proposal


The Proposal read by Laraine Newman

@The Groundlings

July 29, 2014

Filmed by: Ron Sarfaty

The Proposal

Let me just start out by saying this: I want to marry you. Nothing would make me happier. Now, that being said, there is just one thing I want you to know about me.

If you were dead and I was hungry, I would eat you. I wouldn’t kill you to eat you, but if you were dead and not yet rotten, as sad as I would be, I would eat you. And it wouldn’t be some random, desperate, hurried bites of frozen you that I would eat to keep myself alive. I would really eat you. I would size you up, figure out where the best meat was, marinate you, season you, and cook you. I just think you should know this about me. I’ve never been one of those “I’m too sad to eat” kind of people. I don’t care what happens. I’m eating. I am a beast.

But I love you and I cant wait to marry you.

I’m only bringing this up now because I want to take you to Hawaii for our honeymoon and I started thinking about hiking and getting lost and running out of food. Then I thought about those pigs that they cook on a stick over the fire and I thought of you. Just for a second. You know, it was just a flash of me cooking you, but I’m sure things will be fine. They’ll be great. People come back from their honeymoons all the time.

So what do you think? Will you marry me?