Starring Jordan Black as Donald Bigbelow
Written by Charlotte Dean
Directed by Charlotte Dean and Tracy Newman
Original film score by Tracy Newman
Filmed by Nathan Warburton
Tag: Charlotte’s Shorts
No Big Deal
Every Wednesday night, my husband and I have friends over to our house for dinner. Sometimes we play games, sometimes we make art, but no matter what, every evening ends up in some pretty interesting conversation. We’ve grown close and since most of us are not from Seattle, we’ve become a home away from home for each other. We talk about our lives, what we did that week, and who’s been pissing us off. Sometimes our conversations take on recurring themes and though the evenings come to an end, the topics come right back to life the following Wednesday.
One such topic was sparked by a comment I made one night about not understanding why cannibalism was such a big deal. I get why murder is a big deal, but if the person is already dead, what’s the problem? I told my friends that if we were stranded somewhere together and one of them died, I would have no problem eating that person. They had A LOT of questions for me and this became a popular dinnertime conversation.
A while back, I was visiting my mom in L.A. and I told her about it. I wondered if she would think of me differently. I said “Mom, I’ve thought about this a lot and I feel pretty sure that I could eat a person if I had to. Even someone I knew. So if I die and you’re starving, I just want you to know, it’s totally fine with me if you eat me.”
My mom looked at me smiling and said, “Honey, I don’t need your permission.”
Like this story? Check out The Proposal
THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY
This is a true story. It was told to me by a friend about something that happened to another friend. Like a game of telephone. So it’s true…ish.
Pretty much everything has happened to Jenny. She’s broken most of the bones in her body at one point or another, sliced her foot open on a yacht, and had multiple back surgeries. So on a quiet Tuesday morning, when the car in front of her slammed on its brakes and she, in turn, slammed into it, she wasn’t terribly surprised. Just glad that she had already dropped her daughter off at school. Jenny rolled her neck around and sighed. Another round of physical therapy for sure.
She turned off her car and went to check on the guy she hit and to find out why he had stopped so suddenly. As she got closer, she saw another car in front of his, parked in the right lane. No wonder he had slammed on his brakes! How could this jerk be parked here? This street was practically the freeway. Jenny walked over to the parked car thinking of all the things she wanted to say. She could see someone climbing around inside. “Excuse me!” she called, as she tapped on the driver’s side window. The guy inside spun around and stared at her blankly “hey.”
Jenny glared at him for a moment. “Yeah. Hey. You can’t park here! You just caused an accident.” He turned his head around to look at the cars behind him. “Well,” he said, shrugging his shoulders, “I had no choice. I had to poop, so I pulled over and went in this bucket.” He gestured with his thumb to a bucket in the back seat. Jenny didn’t want to look, but she couldn’t help it. There were two large swirls of poop. She was speechless. After a minute she said, “Um… well, couldn’t you hold it in until you found a gas station? Or at least until you got off the road?” The guy shook his head “Nah. Nah. It was an emergency and I mean, what would you have me do? Poop in my pants? That’s nuts.” He started his car and drove away and all Jenny could do was stare after him. To this day, she lays in bed at night wondering where he is, knowing he’s out there somewhere, driving around with his bucket in the backseat.
A SMALL MOUNTAIN WITH A CAVE IN IT
My mom recently sent me some of what she calls my “early works.” Basically the stories my dad would make me write before I was allowed to play Nintendo. Here’s one of many:
Coconut Soy Delight
Dear Bridget,
I think you should know about this yogurt I ate last night. It was coconut soy delight and the texture was exactly like old, hard, jello. It didn’t taste like anything to me, but I’m sure you would have been able to taste the coconut because you hate it so much. I wish you could have tasted it. I tried to punch up the flavor by adding honey and cinnamon, but it was late and I wasn’t wearing my glasses. I ended up adding honey and black pepper. That did not improve the taste. However, as I said, it was late, I was hungry and I didn’t want to wake anyone by cooking something, so I decided to try and salvage it. Luckily, because of its gelatinous consistency, I was able to scoop off the very top where I had added the pepper and remove almost all of it. I rinsed off my spoon and added more honey and actual cinnamon this time. I grabbed my yogurt and quietly tiptoed out of the kitchen. Just as I was making my way back up the stairs, I knocked over a screwdriver that was on the banister and it fell onto the stairway, bouncing and making a loud bang with each step it hit on its way down to the hardwood floor, where it rolled around for what felt like ten minutes. I just stood there watching it, hoping no one else had heard it. I got back in bed and ate my yogurt quietly. It still tasted terrible to me and I can only imagine what it would have been like for you.
Love, Deborah
Vodka Cranberries
Dear Mona,
Great going taking down your Facebook page, fucker. I told everybody I was pregnant and you missed it. Well, surprise. I just found out two days ago. I think I’m like 5 or 6 months- it’s hard to tell. I heard you work at Best Buy now. Hook me up! I’m still pissed at you for not giving me that loan, but I’m trying to let it go so you can help me with this shit like a real friend. I feel like you’re always pregnant. Did you and Ramon really mean to have four kids? You always say yes, but anyways, question- What is your favorite drink for when you’re pregnant? Right now all I’m liking is vodka cranberries. Seriously- I drank half a mimosa the other day and then puked it. I don’t know what’s up with me. Oh I remember what I wanted to ask you- How long do you have to wait before the doctor can change the baby’s sex? My sister says mine’s a boy for sure and she’s pissed. She doesn’t want to be an uncle. I really hope you can help me out with being pregnant. I don’t have anyone else. I mean I have my family and I have Derrick, but I don’t want them. I want you to be here. I need groceries and a new blue ray. When can you come? Oh- and where do I get that wheelchair sticker for the car?
Later, Tina
No, mom.
Mom. No. We’re not going to the market. I’m not going in. They don’t have anything I like. I’m hungry now and none of that food is ready. I don’t care if it’s on the way. Why can’t you just take me home and then come back?
Mom. Look at me. It’s called consent. Ever heard of it? I said no.
Because! It’s cold in the market and I don’t have a sweater. Mom! You’re not even looking at me. I can’t go in there and I’m not waiting in the car. My phone is dead and your stupid charger has the old iphone chord.
My time is so valuable. You don’t get it. You have so much time. What do you even do? Like what do you do when I’m in my room? Why can’t you go to the market then? You always do this just because you want to spend time with me. I hate spending time.
Hang on. Do they have duct tape at Ralphs?
Okay. I’ll go with you.
Have You Ever
Hey. You know how guys always get together to watch porn and masturbate?
Do you ever do that? Like, not rubbing up on each other, but just watching porn at the same time?
Well, I stayed at James’s house Friday night and I slept late Saturday morning. That’s what happens when my mom isn’t there to wake me up at 8.
So anyway I got up at like 10 or 10:30 and James mom was gone, because she’s always gone. But James was in the living room with his cousins and they were all jerking off to a MILF porn. They were like “hey Donny,” but they didn’t really look up at me. I was still pretty asleep and I didn’t know what to do because I was starting to get hard, but I also wanted breakfast.
I decided I was more hungry than horny so I went to get some cereal. It was kinda hard to enjoy my breakfast because there’s not really a door between the kitchen and the living room so I could see and hear everything.
I was just eating, kind of out of it because I was still waking up and I guess I looked like I was staring because all the sudden, James’ cousin Brian, who’s a total dick, was like “yo Donny what the fuck? Why are you staring at us?” Then he told James I was a perv.
Everyone looked at James, you know, to see what he would say, but he wasn’t even paying attention because he was about to come. And then he did. So we all saw James come and now everyone thinks it’s my fault.
Has that ever happened to you?
To Whom It May Concern
To Whom It May Concern,
I have known Jacob Evans for two years, since he was a student in my Advanced Spanish Language class. He exhibited signs of excellence at sixteen and has since matured into a man of stunning intellectual strength. He came to Claremont High with a rare curiosity for life that has only blossomed over time.
In class, his readings of Pablo Neruda’s poetry were subtle, insightful and the way the r’s roll off of Mr Evans’ tongue left little to the imagination when it came to his work ethic. In one of his papers, he wrote about the historical significance of the burrito in a way that showed he grasped the cultural depth of Mexico. He also exhibited great creative strength. For one assignment, he mimed the entire Mexican Revolution, leaving his classmates sighing “Dios mio.” At the end of the semester, his musical presentation of La Cucaracha helped the class understand the beauty of the Spanish language in a way I’ve never been able.
Since that time, Mr Evans has made several trips to both Tijuana and Rosarito beach. Will his zest for life and appreciation of the Mexican culture never cease?! These trips have turned Mr Evans into a well-traveled man, who will no doubt be taking college by storm.
Personally, I find Jacob Evans to be an honest, well-built, charismatic person, whose self-motivation and solid form are admired by peers and supervisors alike. I strongly recommend him, and I am happy to provide photos or more details if you wish.
Sincerely,
Alma Fuentes
Spanish Language Department Chair
Zero Latinas
Oh man Danny, I can’t believe I live in Cleveland. There are like zero Latinas here. You know, they try, but no other kind of girl gets my attention quite like a Latina. I know I’m married, but I’m so unhappy. I’m so tired of American women. It’s like they just want me to eat breakfast and go to work and make sure the kids are buckled up. I get it!
I’m ready for something new. I’ve always heard good things about foreign women… Is it true? I need to know. What is Daniela? She looks like a lot of stuff mixed together. But she’s definitely got some Latina. I can tell by how she makes me feel. Don’t worry I’m not going after your girl. But where can I get one like that?
I’m not trying to be shallow. But, I do have kinda high standards. I’m looking for the sexy, voluptuous type. Like a young Salma Hayek type would be nice. There’s this one teacher at Megan’s school that I got my eye on. She’s got the accent and everything. She does that thing where I get turned on when she gets mad. I’ve been trying to get something started with her, but my family basically ruined that. They get in the way of everything I want.
You gotta help me out man.
Let me know what you come up with.
-Trevor
charlottesshorts.com 