Coconut Soy Delight

Dear Bridget,

I think you should know about this yogurt I ate last night. It was coconut soy delight and the texture was exactly like old, hard, jello. It didn’t taste like anything to me, but I’m sure you would have been able to taste the coconut because you hate it so much. I wish you could have tasted it. I tried to punch up the flavor by adding honey and cinnamon, but it was late and I wasn’t wearing my glasses. I ended up adding honey and black pepper. That did not improve the taste. However, as I said, it was late, I was hungry and I didn’t want to wake anyone by cooking something, so I decided to try and salvage it. Luckily, because of its gelatinous consistency, I was able to scoop off the very top where I had added the pepper and remove almost all of it. I rinsed off my spoon and added more honey and actual cinnamon this time. I grabbed my yogurt and quietly tiptoed out of the kitchen. Just as I was making my way back up the stairs, I knocked over a screwdriver that was on the banister and it fell onto the stairway, bouncing and making a loud bang with each step it hit on its way down to the hardwood floor, where it rolled around for what felt like ten minutes. I just stood there watching it, hoping no one else had heard it. I got back in bed and ate my yogurt quietly. It still tasted terrible to me and I can only imagine what it would have been like for you.

Love, Deborah

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Vodka Cranberries

Dear Mona,

Great going taking down your Facebook page, fucker. I told everybody I was pregnant and you missed it. Well, surprise. I just found out two days ago. I think I’m like 5 or 6 months- it’s hard to tell. I heard you work at Best Buy now. Hook me up! I’m still pissed at you for not giving me that loan, but I’m trying to let it go so you can help me with this shit like a real friend. I feel like you’re always pregnant. Did you and Ramon really mean to have four kids? You always say yes, but anyways, question- What is your favorite drink for when you’re pregnant? Right now all I’m liking is vodka cranberries. Seriously- I drank half a mimosa the other day and then puked it. I don’t know what’s up with me. Oh I remember what I wanted to ask you- How long do you have to wait before the doctor can change the baby’s sex? My sister says mine’s a boy for sure and she’s pissed. She doesn’t want to be an uncle. I really hope you can help me out with being pregnant. I don’t have anyone else. I mean I have my family and I have Derrick, but I don’t want them. I want you to be here. I need groceries and a new blue ray. When can you come? Oh- and where do I get that wheelchair sticker for the car?

Later, Tina

No, mom.

Mom. No. We’re not going to the market. I’m not going in. They don’t have anything I like. I’m hungry now and none of that food is ready. I don’t care if it’s on the way. Why can’t you just take me home and then come back?

Mom. Look at me. It’s called consent. Ever heard of it? I said no.

Because! It’s cold in the market and I don’t have a sweater. Mom! You’re not even looking at me. I can’t go in there and I’m not waiting in the car. My phone is dead and your stupid charger has the old iphone chord.

My time is so valuable. You don’t get it. You have so much time. What do you even do? Like what do you do when I’m in my room? Why can’t you go to the market then? You always do this just because you want to spend time with me. I hate spending time.

Hang on. Do they have duct tape at Ralphs?

Okay. I’ll go with you.

Have You Ever

Hey. You know how guys always get together to watch porn and masturbate?

Do you ever do that? Like, not rubbing up on each other, but just watching porn at the same time?

Well, I stayed at James’s house Friday night and I slept late Saturday morning. That’s what happens when my mom isn’t there to wake me up at 8.

So anyway I got up at like 10 or 10:30 and James mom was gone, because she’s always gone. But James was in the living room with his cousins and they were all jerking off to a MILF porn. They were like “hey Donny,” but they didn’t really look up at me. I was still pretty asleep and I didn’t know what to do because I was starting to get hard, but I also wanted breakfast.

I decided I was more hungry than horny so I went to get some cereal. It was kinda hard to enjoy my breakfast because there’s not really a door between the kitchen and the living room so I could see and hear everything.

I was just eating, kind of out of it because I was still waking up and I guess I looked like I was staring because all the sudden, James’ cousin Brian, who’s a total dick, was like “yo Donny what the fuck? Why are you staring at us?” Then he told James I was a perv.

Everyone looked at James, you know, to see what he would say, but he wasn’t even paying attention because he was about to come. And then he did. So we all saw James come and now everyone thinks it’s my fault.

Has that ever happened to you?

To Whom It May Concern

To Whom It May Concern,

I have known Jacob Evans for two years, since he was a student in my Advanced Spanish Language class. He exhibited signs of excellence at sixteen and has since matured into a man of stunning intellectual strength. He came to Claremont High with a rare curiosity for life that has only blossomed over time.

In class, his readings of Pablo Neruda’s poetry were subtle, insightful and the way the r’s roll off of Mr Evans’ tongue left little to the imagination when it came to his work ethic. In one of his papers, he wrote about the historical significance of the burrito in a way that showed he grasped the cultural depth of Mexico. He also exhibited great creative strength. For one assignment, he mimed the entire Mexican Revolution, leaving his classmates sighing “Dios mio.” At the end of the semester, his musical presentation of La Cucaracha helped the class understand the beauty of the Spanish language in a way I’ve never been able.

Since that time, Mr Evans has made several trips to both Tijuana and Rosarito beach. Will his zest for life and appreciation of the Mexican culture never cease?! These trips have turned Mr Evans into a well-traveled man, who will no doubt be taking college by storm.

Personally, I find Jacob Evans to be an honest, well-built, charismatic person, whose self-motivation and solid form are admired by peers and supervisors alike. I strongly recommend him, and I am happy to provide photos or more details if you wish.

Sincerely,

Alma Fuentes

Spanish Language Department Chair

Zero Latinas

Oh man Danny, I can’t believe I live in Cleveland. There are like zero Latinas here. You know, they try, but no other kind of girl gets my attention quite like a Latina. I know I’m married, but I’m so unhappy. I’m so tired of American women. It’s like they just want me to eat breakfast and go to work and make sure the kids are buckled up. I get it!

I’m ready for something new. I’ve always heard good things about foreign women… Is it true? I need to know. What is Daniela? She looks like a lot of stuff mixed together. But she’s definitely got some Latina. I can tell by how she makes me feel. Don’t worry I’m not going after your girl. But where can I get one like that?

I’m not trying to be shallow. But, I do have kinda high standards. I’m looking for the sexy, voluptuous type. Like a young Salma Hayek type would be nice. There’s this one teacher at Megan’s school that I got my eye on. She’s got the accent and everything. She does that thing where I get turned on when she gets mad. I’ve been trying to get something started with her, but my family basically ruined that. They get in the way of everything I want.

You gotta help me out man.

Let me know what you come up with.

-Trevor

Martin Luther King Day Read by Donald Bigbelow

@The Groundlings

July 29th ,2014

Jordan Black as Donald Bigbelow

Filmed by: Ron Sarfaty

I Want the Backpack

Dear Stephanie,

Happy Birthday! I’m really sorry your party got cancelled on Saturday. Does Alex really have lice? Eew. My mom said you’re gonna get it too for sure. Are you sad about not getting your party? I am.

Well, I’m writing to cheer you up and tell you I got you a really good gift.

It’s bangles and stickers and lip-gloss and a backpack of Elsa from Frozen. It’s blue with glitter and when you squeeze Elsa’s face it plays “Let It Go.”

Stephanie… I want the backpack.

My mom said it’s not your fault the party got cancelled and I’m not mad at you. But still, I didn’t get to go. We’re coming by later to drop off you your gift and I think you should open it and then say you want me to have the backpack. Because of how much I love Elsa. I know you do too, but not as much as me. And I mean, it’s not even your birthday anymore.

You’re such a good friend. I know you’ll do the right thing.

Love, Olive

P.S. What are you guys going to do with all the party favors?

The Proposal read by Laraine Newman

@The Groundlings

July 29, 2014

Filmed by: Ron Sarfaty

Sex Questions

I already know my parents do it.

I was supposed to be home at eight last night, but I got back early because James’s mom was too tired to cook. She got us a bucket of crispy chicken instead and we ate it way faster than regular food. She dropped me off at like 7:30. Anyway, I said “hey” when I walked in the door, but nobody answered, so I went upstairs and that’s when I heard ‘em. I thought it would be cool to watch. It wasn’t.

The worst part is, my mom saw me. She didn’t say anything last night, but this morning after my dad got up from breakfast to go poop, mom said “hey Donny you know you can ask me anything right?”

And I was like “Aww, man.”

And she was like “I mean it Donny. Anything. Your dad too.”

And I was just thinking please stop talking, please stop talking, but she just had to keep talking. She said, “you know, like all your sex questions.”

Then dad shouted from the bathroom “hey what are you guys talking about?”

I yelled “nothing,” but then mom yelled, “Donny has questions about sex!”

Then it got quiet and dad said “Cheryl do we really have to do this now? I mean the boy’s only nine.”

So I said “I’m ten.”

And he said “okay so what do you want to know?” and then he flushed the toilet.

I said “nothing,” and then mom said, “honey, Donny was watching us make love last night.”

So anyway, that’s why I’m here. So I don’t get traumatized. The thing is, I don’t feel bad. I could barely see anything, that’s why I was at the door for so long. And I really don’t have any sex questions. I mean, not for them. What they were doing didn’t look anything like the porn I watch at James’s house. We figured out the code to unlock all the good channels. I have questions for some of those people.

There’s a lot of weird shit out there. You know?