Welcome Back

Yo Harold!

You’re moving back to LA? That’s great man! What’s it been like twelve and a half years?! Wow. I just want you to know you can come stay with me if you want. I promise my kids won’t get in our way. If you’re the guy I remember, my kids will never be as important to me as you are.

I’ve missed you a lot. Every time I see a good bromance I think about you.  I feel like that’s what we had, but we didn’t get to call it that! Are you still honest and trustworthy? Enough with all the secrets, right? I want us to be friends for life, so I hope you’re still in good shape. I’d prefer you to be off drugs, but I’m willing to hear your side of the story.

The only deal breaker for me is if you’ve turned into an overeater. I kind of have a weight problem now. If you’re eating all the time, I know I will too. Also, I’m not supposed to have salt, so you’ll want to try and stop me from having any. I really should be working out, but I need some motivation. I like swimming and jogging, so if I were you I’d try to get me to do those first. People tell me I’m depressed, but the truth is I’m up for pretty much anything. It’s just that it can be hard to get me out of bed. (You remember.)

Sometimes with me it’s all about how you ask. You’ll figure it out.

I have two weekly commitments you should know about. One is my fantasy football league on Thursday evenings and the other is a private thing I do all day on Saturday. The football league is really exciting and I wish you could come with me, but… someone has to look after Richie (my youngest) while I’m gone. So…

I’ll need that on Saturdays as well. You should clear your schedule because it really is all day every Saturday.

Well, that’s pretty much it. How are you doing? If you want to grab a couple six packs and some Tide on your way over that’d be great. I can’t wait to see you man.

-Buddy

The Mud Pit

(Originally posted on the Body Joy Project blog.)

They dug it out past the crops, not far from the field of sunflowers. It was only a few feet deep, but it was big. About the size of a public pool. We watched, mesmerized as the water and dirt swirled together. Two hoses on full blast and still, it was taking forever. We’d been watching them dig all week and they promised it would be ready today. We’d been in our swimsuits since the morning.

Reluctantly, we left to eat lunch and do our afternoon chores. I remember standing on a step stool in the kitchen kneading dough in my swimsuit and tennis shoes. I would have worn that outfit anywhere. I was ten years old and confident. The idea of hating my body had not yet entered my world. I hadn’t even spent much time thinking about my body other than seeing what it could do. I was too busy living in it.

Eventually, someone ran into the kitchen screaming, “It’s ready! It’s ready!” So was I. This wasn’t my first time at camp, but it was my first mud pit and I couldn’t wait to get in.

The mud was thick, and warmer than I thought it would be. I could feel tiny bits of dried grass and rocks between my toes. I walked around a bit with it up to my thighs, dragging my fingers through the surface of the mud as I walked. Slowly, I lowered my whole body into the mud. I lay on my back and was instantly floating. With my head back and my ears under the mud, everything was silent. I was looking up at the clouds slowly drifting all alone in a warm sea. It felt like the whole mud pit had been made just for me.

At the same time, I felt so connected to the people around me. I saw my friends and camp counselors in a completely new way. They were beautiful. Alive and free and messy and perfect. My interest in everyone around me grew. They liked this just as much as I did. What else did we have in common? What else were they capable of?

I remember all of us looking at each other in awe, laughing, and trying different things. One person would shout out “hey you guys – try running” and we’d all fall over trying to run. We’d get out and hose each other off, squealing in delight as our skin beneath the mud was revealed. I would get as clean as I could just so I could see myself transform again as I got back into the mud.

That experience opened something up inside of me. I saw the work it took to make it possible. I saw my counselors and the owners of the camp spend days digging that pit. They had made a special place for all of us to get messy. The possibilities of what I believed a person could be were changing. Lying in bed that night, falling asleep, my breaths were deeper and I felt bigger on the inside.

Liam Nissan part 2

Dear Nissan,

I have new idea for the Liam Nissan. I still think you should make all my other ideas, but make this one for sure.

Introducing: The Liam Nissan Run All Night.

runallnight

Seriously it doesn’t even sound like a movie- it sounds like a car! I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but it kind of feels like me and the movie people are doing all the work for you. I’m just trying to help you. I feel like… I don’t know. Maybe your cars are safe and maybe they aren’t. That’s not the point. The point is the Liam Nissan feels like the safest car on the road.

Because Taken.

Still waiting for your call,

Charlotte

Just A Guy Looking for Love

“Just A Guy Looking for Love”

Hello ladies,

The title says it all…but it doesn’t say everything.

This guy right here is not one that can be easily defined.

I love crime, war and fighting movies, but I’m 100% against all types of violence. Even necessary violence.

I’m curious and filled with wonder and I’m looking to explore you. I know all about geography if you know what I mean.

I weigh between 150-200 lbs. or so and I am one of the most balanced people around.

This guy right here is hard working. I’m not kidding. You should see me chop vegetables. I think people get scared away because of how much I’ve got going for me. They think I’m too good to be true.

So luckily… I’m still not taken! But I am a limited edition one-time offer. If you think you’re not good enough for me… well, you might not be.

Let’s get caught in a snowstorm together and find out!

Full disclosure: I love breasts. I think it’s because to me, they’re so feminine. They always make me think of women.

I’m manly, but full of surprises. Do you know how open I am? I bet you can’t wait to find out!

You’d better hurry.

True happiness awaits!

-BigWiz76

The Undergroundhog

Lorelai was the most beautiful undergroundhog in all the underground. She had big puffy lips and her hair was so long she almost tripped on it all the time. She had no muffin tops or pimples at all. Not even one.

All the hot undergroundhog guys were totally into her. They carried her books and gave her gum. Everyone wanted to date her because she looked so much like Beyonce. That is everyone except for Pretzel.

Pretzel was Lorelai’s best friend. She really tried to like Lorelai, but like all best friends, she secretly hated her. Pretzel’s hair was chunky and short and she barely had any lips at all. No one ever gave Pretzel any gum. She wanted Lorelai gone.

One day, Prezel convinced Lorelai that she could be a model, but in order to do so, she’d have to run away and leave the underground.

Pretzel and Lorelai came out of the underground and walked over to the main road to New York City. Lorelai hugged Pretzel goodbye and started off down the road. A few seconds later, a big 18 wheeler truck came by and squashed Lorelai into the ground.

Pretzel cut the long hair from Lorelai’s smushed up body and made herself some realistic looking extensions. That night, she got pregnant for the first time.

Kids: If you want to be happy, you have to work for it. No one will love you for who you are unless you’re better than you are.

And remember, if you’re pretty, don’t ever leave your hole.

The end.

Primitive Survival Skills

Dear Tyler,

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I feel like we’re headed in different directions. I’m not saying we should break up, but I am looking for something else.

I mean… do you have any primitive survival skills at all?

I really don’t think you could make a fire. Surviving is all about believing in yourself and I just don’t feel that way about you. Like I’ve never killed a snake in person before, but I’m 100% sure I can do it. I know it’s hard for some people, but it’s easy for me. I can tell.

It just doesn’t seem fair. We’d have this amazing snake meal that would just be ruined because you can’t make fire.

Do you remember last week when I asked you to go up on the roof and clean the leaves out of the gutters and you said it was a bad idea because it was raining? I just can’t see myself committing long-term to someone who is so afraid of life.

How are you going to protect me? I feel like we’ll be out in the jungle and on the first day you’re going to eat poisonous berries and die and I’ll be all alone and pissed. I can’t believe how unprepared you are.

I definitely don’t think you’re a worthless person in general, but I see myself with more of a taller, survivor type of guy.

Can you even open a coconut?

Well anyway, let me know if you want me to pick up some Thai food on the way home.

Love,

Denise

They call him Bigbelow…

newromanceposter5WIP

See the legend in action Oct. 28th @ The Groundlings.

The Beach

This novel is longer and more visual than my other Twitter novels. It took me two tweets. It’s called “The Beach.”

By: Donald Bigbelow

Mary was drowning like this in the ocean. Luke saved her life with some oral CPR. She stood up and shook the water off her wet body like a sexy blonde dog. So, no one died that day, and everyone got a hard on. They did it on the sand to the rhythms of the noisy ocean.

Fin.

Follow me on Twitter @DonaldBigbelow

thebeach

Prom

Hi, Donald Bigbelow here.

I understand that not everyone has time to read half a page. So now I am writing really short romance novels for men on the go.

That’s right, I’m talking about Twitter. You can follow me @DonaldBigbelow

I tweeted this novel earlier today. It’s called “Prom.”

Penny’s thong stuck up outta her jeans, so Matt asked her to Prom. He wore a tie and put a flower on the titty part of her dress. Sex.

Fin.

Roommate Needed

If you’re reading this, I am still looking for a housemate. Please only respond if you are neat, drama free, single… and black. Race does not matter to me at all, but please be black. Also, must be open-minded.

Ideal housemate would be a funny, warm, educated, professional, beefy/athletic or at least somewhat fit man. I’m definitely looking for someone shy… or outgoing. Someone to have fun with, laugh with, and roughhouse with – a pal to chill with and a potential best friend. I’m open to being soul mates as well. But really, just friends is fine too.

Please do not contact me unless you are a normal person. You know what I mean. Regular normal. Not crazy normal. An emotionally and physically available, passionate man. It is okay if you are a foreigner, but please be black. For some reason Ukranian men keep replying to this ad. If you are not black PLEASE do not respond!

I’m smart and kind, and full of life. I don’t need any more disappointment. I am unique and virtuous. You must be as well. I like to work as a team. You do the dishes and I’ll dry them. Or, you know… I just don’t want this to be one of those roommate situations where you go sleep in your room and I sleep in mine.

I’m ready for some new adventures. Maybe we fall asleep in the living room watching Scrubs some nights- I don’t know. I have more canned goods than anyone you have ever met I promise. Really it’s like a store over here! Email me. There will be gifts.

 

-SpiritKitty69