Dear Friends who know the REAL me,
As most of you already know, four months ago, Cindi, aka the love of my life, tore my living breathing heart right out of my chest and beat it to death. So. These past few months have been the worst of my life. I am eating crap and all of my clothes are dirty. Really. I am wearing my mom’s sweatpants. I am also being evicted. So. I decided it was time for me to move on and up with my life. I have ‘til the end of the month. So. Do any of you guys know ANY females? If you do, have them fill out this questionnaire and email me their answers along with a current full body photo. ASAP.
The Chance of a Lifetime with Jeremy Hoober Questionnaire:
- Do you have your own pad?
- Do you like to cook and clean?
- What is your name?
- Do you complain a lot or do you suffer in silence?
- Are you friends with or do you know my ex girlfriend, Cindi?
- If you are, why did she break up with me?
- Do you have a nice computer?
- Do you like to play World of Warcraft?
- Do you like to watch people play World of Warcraft?
- Would you say you’re more slutty or more old fashioned?
- Would you be on top most of the time?
- Do you have kids?
- Do you know class when you see it?
- Do you agree that a relationship isn’t over until we BOTH say it’s over?
- Are you a hard twerker? Just kidding. But really. Can you twerk?
Thanks for your help guys! Keep it real- G.I. Jeremy
1. Don’t even bother with guys named Chris who look around nervously while eating their mushroom chicken at the Olive Garden in Pomona. They have been fucking Stacy, the hostess, behind your back for eleven months.
2. Sears models named Jordan have Hepatitis.
3. If your boyfriend Kenny wants to play Twister, just say no. His feet smell like popcorn.
4. David’s face makes babies cry so… obviously no future there.
5. Decline all invitations to eat at Steven’s house because the food isn’t that good and after you eat it he will ask you to put in for half of the grocery bill.
6. It doesn’t matter that Albert’s mother is an adult film star but it might bother you that he has posters of her in his bedroom. I don’t know. Your call.
7. Don’t go for guys named Justin, Peter or Carl. They think Guitar Hero is a date.
8. If he wears tight sweaters and has strong arms and seems perfect, he probably is. Unless his name is Harold, in which case he is a jerk and will call you chunky in front of your whole family at Christmas.
9. Athlete’s foot takes a while to cure so you might want to let Hector take care of it before you date him and your feet start itching because you forgot to wear your flip-flops in his shower.
10. Don’t let Larry use your toothbrush. He will want to so you might have to hide it but trust me don’t even let him touch it. It will taste like garlic. Actually, don’t date Larry. He keeps food in his briefcase and lies about it and then gets mad at me when I ask what that smell is.