Vodka Cranberries

Dear Mona,

Great going taking down your Facebook page, fucker. I told everybody I was pregnant and you missed it. Well, surprise. I just found out two days ago. I think I’m like 5 or 6 months- it’s hard to tell. I heard you work at Best Buy now. Hook me up! I’m still pissed at you for not giving me that loan, but I’m trying to let it go so you can help me with this shit like a real friend. I feel like you’re always pregnant. Did you and Ramon really mean to have four kids? You always say yes, but anyways, question- What is your favorite drink for when you’re pregnant? Right now all I’m liking is vodka cranberries. Seriously- I drank half a mimosa the other day and then puked it. I don’t know what’s up with me. Oh I remember what I wanted to ask you- How long do you have to wait before the doctor can change the baby’s sex? My sister says mine’s a boy for sure and she’s pissed. She doesn’t want to be an uncle. I really hope you can help me out with being pregnant. I don’t have anyone else. I mean I have my family and I have Derrick, but I don’t want them. I want you to be here. I need groceries and a new blue ray. When can you come? Oh- and where do I get that wheelchair sticker for the car?

Later, Tina


Amir’s Version

The Standard of Ur "peace side" 2600BCE

The parade was long and he was almost last in the single file line of men and animals, but Amir walked on. Not that he had any choice in the matter. The last man to complain was chopped up and fed to the bulls. Granted, his death was no great loss, he was almost twenty and about to die from old age anyway. Amir was young and full of energy and super glad they won the day’s war. He was carrying big sacks of booty to present to the noble priests. Hopefully this time his efforts would not go unnoticed. Last time that jerk Rashad confiscated all his booty and gave it to the priests himself, taking all the credit. This time it would be different. Rashad had been maimed during battle and was being treated with hot fish oils and ox fat. Amir smiled to himself. Nothing would stand in his way of success. More than anything Amir wanted to tell his wife Lena they had moved up in the world. Right now they were part of the bottom level working class. Amir’s goal was  to get somewhere in the middle level working class. He was very ambitious.

He walked and walked, and pretty soon he could hear the faint strumming of a harp and an angelic voice that could only belong to the long haired man named Elik. He was allowed to grow his hair long because the priests claimed it was what God wanted. Though Amir longed to grow his own head full of silky black locks, he did not envy the singer. Elik had to live his life in celibacy (also due to God’s will). Amir felt his pulse quicken and his heart beat faster. Music meant they were nearing the priests.

The receiver of all war booty was waiting at the entrance to the banquet. Amir handed over his booty sacks and waited nervously for the verdict. If he got a nod, he would be able to enter the feast and collect scraps from the floor. If the receiver merely grunted, he would have to go home empty handed. Luckily he got a nod and was permitted to enter. The feast was grand. Amir was careful not to look any of the priests in the eye, but it was impossible not to notice the giant king at the far end of the hall. He found a spot under the huge banquet table and positioned his war skirt to collect droppings.

The evening was a huge success. Amir gathered a bunch of booty and went home proud. Lena almost cried when she saw Amir carrying a spleenfull of ox blood, her favorite. She and Amir embraced and made sweet love after dinner. Amir hoped tomorrow’s war would go just as well.

Cleaning My Room

I am all for not living in filth. Really, I am. In theory. It’s just that every time I start to clean my room, I become really interested in doing other stuff. Everything distracts me. Take today for example: I found some books that I thought I had lost, so I sat on my bed and looked at them and thought about reading them. That took awhile. Then I started to look around the room at the mess. It was overwhelming, so I decided to make a list of what was most important to clean.

I know that having dirty dishes in the bedroom is gross because of bad smells and bugs, so those were number one on my list. The same goes for food in the trash can, spilled food, and sugary drinks. I decided that the cups of coffee were okay unless they had milk and therefore should not be left in the room for much longer. The clean clothes pile had somehow gotten itself mixed up with the dirty clothes pile, so now all clothes had to be re-smelled and re-piled. I wrote down dust because dust being all over everything is unfortunate. Then I crossed it out. As long as I remember to pick things up slowly, my allergies wont act up. If I don’t open my curtains during the day, you can’t even tell that there is any dust at all. I got bored writing the list and decided I had better start cleaning. I took the dirty dishes to the kitchen and made some coffee.

A few hours later I came back to my room and started to sort through the clothes on the floor. It turned out to be much easier than I thought. Since all the clothes were touching and some were dirty, I decided they were all dirty. Therefore it did not matter how I separated them just as long as I made a clear path from my bed to the bathroom. It should have only taken a few minutes, but I was watching myself in the mirror. I was trying to decide whether or not I looked believable as a cleaning person. Not because I am white or anything, just based on my posture or technique or whatever.

I tried watching myself fold some shirts, but that only made me hungry. Then I realized that every time I fold clothes I get hungry. That means I eat more when I clean. That means cleaning makes me gain weight. After this revelation, I had to rethink my priorities. How badly did I want a clean room? Pretty badly. Was it worth gaining five pounds? Definitely not. I needed a solution. I needed to think. I decided to play some word challenge on facebook so I could clear my head. After beating all my friend’s high scores, I came up with the answer. Christmas is two weeks away and I am going to St. Louis. Instead of putting away all my clothes, I would just pack them. If you pack like I do (the stuffing method), then it doesn’t feel like cleaning at all. Plus it’s fun because you get to think about where you are going and who you are going to see. I finished cleaning my room and I am all packed. Now I just have to find something to wear tomorrow.