Some Things Don’t Burn

Dear mom,

I learned how to light a match today at Andy’s house! Did you know that some things don’t burn? Like pennies. Pennies don’t burn! They just get hot and black. Notebook papers do burn see the bottom of this letter? Books burn too I think, but it didn’t work on the book I tried. There was just a black circle- but no fire. I really like fire! Don’t worry I’m being very careful.

Today I also tried ojinuh. It is Korean octopus that is dried like beef jerky. It is Andy’s favorite food so I tried it even though it looks gross. Guess what? I really like it!

The best way to eat it is to suck off the salt and then throw away the rest.

I put some in my backpack for you to try next week when I’m at your house. I’m not giving any to dad though because after he made me do all of my math homework, he made up extra math problems for me to do too. It was so mean. Then I said “Fine I’m done now. Can I go watch Fringe?” But he said “Hang on let’s see how you did.” Well I did good on some and others I got wrong and when dad explained them to me I rolled my eyes and he got mad at me. Now I am in my room and I don’t know if we are still going to have pizza for dinner or if we are going to have something sucky like swordfish because dad is mad. If dad tries to tell you that I was being a brat, well, at least you know the truth.

By the way, Andy invited me to go to Las Vegas with his family next weekend. Can I go? I don’t have to ask dad because I will be with you that week… so can I?

You are invited to come too, but I don’t think that there is anything there for you to do. It’s mostly swimming and games for kids. I hope you have a nice dinner tonight.

Love, Kevin

G.I. Jeremy

Dear Friends who know the REAL me,
As most of you already know, four months ago, Cindi, aka the love of my life, tore my living breathing heart right out of my chest and beat it to death. So. These past few months have been the worst of my life. I am eating crap and all of my clothes are dirty. Really. I am wearing my mom’s sweatpants. I am also being evicted. So. I decided it was time for me to move on and up with my life. I have ‘til the end of the month.  So. Do any of you guys know ANY females? If you do, have them fill out this questionnaire and email me their answers along with a current full body photo. ASAP.

The Chance of a Lifetime with Jeremy Hoober Questionnaire:

  1. Do you have your own pad?
  2. Do you like to cook and clean?
  3. What is your name?
  4. Do you complain a lot or do you suffer in silence?
  5. Are you friends with or do you know my ex girlfriend, Cindi?
  6. If you are, why did she break up with me?
  7. Do you have a nice computer?
  8. Do you like to play World of Warcraft?
  9. Do you like to watch people play World of Warcraft?
  10. Would you say you’re more slutty or more old fashioned?
  11. Would you be on top most of the time?
  12. Do you have kids?
  13. Do you know class when you see it?
  14. Do you agree that a relationship isn’t over until we BOTH say it’s over?
  15. Are you a hard twerker? Just kidding. But really. Can you twerk?

Thanks for your help guys! Keep it real- G.I. Jeremy