Jerry and Vanessa

This story is fiction except for all the bits that are true. It’s about my sister Vanessa.

Title: Jerry and Vanessa

Even though Vanessa was born without a bum crack, she managed to get to work on time. It really wasn’t such a big deal. She had a bumhole just like everyone else – just no crack leading down to it. I remember she used to duct tape a guitar string from the small of her back to just above her bumhole. She would stretch it taut and wear tight cheek-separating jeans. She managed to somewhat simulate a crack. The problem was getting close enough to someone to have sex with the lights on. She was very self-conscious. She overcompensated by being extra friendly. Extra friendly. Especially towards people with other deformities. You know like cockeyeds and red headed men. She gave them hand jobs and lots of compliments like “Please you look great! Sure, you’re a ginger, but you can always dye your hair. Try living with a one-piece bum.”  She was so kind, but once she mentioned her crackless bum, no one wanted her.

Vanessa confided in me often. She felt like a freak and didn’t know where she might ever meet a man who liked freaks. We talked about it and decided Jerry Springer was the answer. She thought that if her problem became known, maybe – just maybe there was someone out there with love for a crackless woman.  She began to get excited. Maybe she would even find a crackless man! Actually, that bit is a lie. Vanessa told me she could never be attracted to a crackless man.

She went on Jerry Springer and mooned the audience and bravely sucked up the “eews and what the fucks” of the crowd and poured her heart out to Jerry. Well, just as Jerry was delivering his final words of wisdom to the viewers, he glanced over at Vanessa and gave her a wink. Confused, she sat in the stiff blue armchair and smiled. As the crowd began to leave, Jerry strode over to Vanessa and whispered “my dressing room – five minutes, don’t be late.”  Stunned, Vanessa wondered what Jerry wanted.  She soon found out.  Her quiet knock on the pink and gold door was barely audible, but Jerry immediately swung it open – he was waiting for her. There he was, greased up in baby oil from head to toe, completely naked. “Wow” Vanessa said. “Yeah” said Jerry.  And they lived happily ever after until Vanessa died. Jerry, (who can’t die), lived in agony for the rest of eternity. Well, she’s not really dead she’s just been ignoring my calls since she got so rich. The End.

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