No, mom.

Mom. No. We’re not going to the market. I’m not going in. They don’t have anything I like. I’m hungry now and none of that food is ready. I don’t care if it’s on the way. Why can’t you just take me home and then come back?

Mom. Look at me. It’s called consent. Ever heard of it? I said no.

Because! It’s cold in the market and I don’t have a sweater. Mom! You’re not even looking at me. I can’t go in there and I’m not waiting in the car. My phone is dead and your stupid charger has the old iphone chord.

My time is so valuable. You don’t get it. You have so much time. What do you even do? Like what do you do when I’m in my room? Why can’t you go to the market then? You always do this just because you want to spend time with me. I hate spending time.

Hang on. Do they have duct tape at Ralphs?

Okay. I’ll go with you.

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Surprise Party

Dear Mr. Wellington,

My name is Danny Harper. I’ve had my account with the GRB Credit Union for two years now, and I’m mostly happy with your services. I’m writing today to inquire about a small personal loan. I need $750.

Recently my mom broke her hip and now she’s in the hospital. I don’t need the money for medical bills- her insurance covers that. I really want to do something nice for her birthday. A GREAT surprise! I mean all out, with firecrackers and a stripper. She’ll NEVER see it coming. I know you’re probably thinking that’s not the kind of party a mom would enjoy, but trust me; it will shock her pants off. And that’s what I want to see.

My mom loves surprises. One time my dad had a surprise party for her on the beach. Another time, he surprised her with a trip to Italy. I want this to be just like that!

There’s a stripper named Lalissa Fremont that would be perfect to hire. I don’t know another stripper as thoughtful and creative as Lalissa. We met by chance at her work, and I can’t stop thinking about her. I think hiring her to strip for my mom’s party would help Lalissa to see that there’s more to the world than stripping in nightclubs. There are much safer places to strip. Lalissa said she’d work my mom’s party for $500. I’m asking for $750 so that I’ll have money for the firecrackers, the Diet Dr. Pepper and for VIP treatment.

I do have a few questions regarding the loan. Will you be giving me the full amount, or do you want to hire Lalissa directly? I can’t promise that she will give you as good a deal as she is giving me. Also, I know there are different types of loans. Do you guys give a type of loan that’s a gift?

Please let me know soon. Time is of the essence.

Danny