Never Cry Wolverine


Evan and Robert were ninety-two year old twin brothers who had been at each other´s throats ever since Rhonda, the seventy-eight year old hottie, moved into their convalescent home. Robert, who had recently become aware of the fact that he was not getting any younger, felt the need to take action. One day, while flipping through an X-Men comic their grandson left on his last visit, a plan to win Rhonda over formed in Robert’s mind.

“Evan, Rhonda is going to fall in love with me today.” 

“Oh really, why?”

“I’m Wolverine.”

Evan sighed. “You’re not Wolverine.”

“Oh no? Then how do you explain all of this beef that is chopped up right here in front of your face?”

Evan glanced down at the steak knife in Robert’s right hand. 

Robert looked at the knife. “Oh that? You think this little thing did all that? This is just my cover.”

“Ok. Show me your claws then.”

“Obviously I can’t. I’m undercover.”

“So if I cut you with this knife you will heal immediately?”

“Yeah but don’t. I’m undercover and someone might see me healing super fast.”

Evan took the knife from Robert’s hand and stabbed him in the thigh. Robert yelled out in pain and then fainted. Several minutes later, he regained consciousness. His leg had been bandaged and the nurses were rushing him off to the emergency ward. From a distance, he heard Evan shouting “this is not the end! She is my destiny!” Robert mustered up the strength to ask what was going to happen to his brother. The nurses told him not to worry; Evan had been sent to live alone in a padded room. 

Having disposed of his major competitor, Robert easily won Rhonda over. They enjoyed three erotic months together until one day when Robert, along with many residents of the home, died unexpectedly from the swine flu. Rhonda, who had been washing her hands thoroughly and wearing her surgical mask as suggested, remained uninfected. Evan, having had no contact with the outside world, also remained unharmed. Even though the swine flu epidemic had passed, the residents of the convalescent home were ordered to stay inside. Evan was allowed to return to his normal life in the home and as he had known all along that he and Rhonda were meant to be together, he was not surprised when she took an instant liking to him. They lived the rest of their days together happily in quarantine.