Earlier today you squeezed yourself into my cubicle uninvited and asked me if you could borrow Walter Matthau to impress Don from accounting. Well, no. You cannot borrow my cat. I don’t care if you think owning a cat would make you seem more sexy Hello Kitty to Don. I wouldn’t lend Walter out to anyone- especially not you. I would have told you this to your face if I had been able to breathe. Your perfume is so strong that when you are around my eyes cross. Frankly I find it frightening that you think it is okay to wear so much. I have a lot to say about that, but in the interest of saving trees, I will stick to the point, which is: NO. I will never let you borrow my cat.
Why? Let’s see… How about the fact that you openly hate cats and don’t tell me you don’t eat them. You call them meat on a string. You don’t even think of them as human. You didn’t laugh when I showed you the picture of Walter Matthau wearing my sweater. Everyone fucking laughs at that picture. Last year at Edgar’s birthday party I saw you kick his cat Floppy when he was just trying to walk by you. You were blocking his way to the litter box. That is his fucking bathroom! How stupid are you?
But please, let’s put your animal abuse aside and take a look at the larger picture of you. Still pretty awful. You are definitely the worst person on the 10th floor. Even worse than Jeffrey who we all think is a serial killer. I still like him better than you. You are a thief and a liar. I saw you take Valerie’s curried rice out of the fridge, heat it up, taste it, spit it back in the carton and shove it right back in the fridge. I would have said something, but again, the perfume.
I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to stand up to you face to face. I hope this letter is enough. Honestly I don’t even know if you can read. But on the off chance that you do get all the way to the bottom of my letter, I would like to say that after three years of working together you have never ever ever said my name right. My name is not dog. It’s Doug.