Have You Ever

Hey. You know how guys always get together to watch porn and masturbate?

Do you ever do that? Like, not rubbing up on each other, but just watching porn at the same time?

Well, I stayed at James’s house Friday night and I slept late Saturday morning. That’s what happens when my mom isn’t there to wake me up at 8.

So anyway I got up at like 10 or 10:30 and James mom was gone, because she’s always gone. But James was in the living room with his cousins and they were all jerking off to a MILF porn. They were like “hey Donny,” but they didn’t really look up at me. I was still pretty asleep and I didn’t know what to do because I was starting to get hard, but I also wanted breakfast.

I decided I was more hungry than horny so I went to get some cereal. It was kinda hard to enjoy my breakfast because there’s not really a door between the kitchen and the living room so I could see and hear everything.

I was just eating, kind of out of it because I was still waking up and I guess I looked like I was staring because all the sudden, James’ cousin Brian, who’s a total dick, was like “yo Donny what the fuck? Why are you staring at us?” Then he told James I was a perv.

Everyone looked at James, you know, to see what he would say, but he wasn’t even paying attention because he was about to come. And then he did. So we all saw James come and now everyone thinks it’s my fault.

Has that ever happened to you?

Free Relationship Advice From Amanda

1. Don’t even bother with guys named Chris who look around nervously while eating their mushroom chicken at the Olive Garden in Pomona. They have been fucking Stacy, the hostess, behind your back for eleven months.

2. Sears models named Jordan have Hepatitis.

3. If your boyfriend Kenny wants to play Twister, just say no. His feet smell like popcorn.

4. David’s face makes babies cry so…  obviously no future there.

5. Decline all invitations to eat at Steven’s house because the food isn’t that good and after you eat it he will ask you to put in for half of the grocery bill.

6. It doesn’t  matter that Albert’s mother is an adult film star but it might bother you that he has posters of her in his bedroom. I don’t know. Your call.

7. Don’t go for guys named Justin, Peter or Carl. They think Guitar Hero is a date.

8. If he wears tight sweaters and has strong arms and seems perfect, he probably is. Unless his name is Harold, in which case he is a jerk and will call you chunky in front of your whole family at Christmas.

9. Athlete’s foot takes a while to cure so you might want to let Hector take care of it before you date him and your feet start itching because you forgot to wear your flip-flops in his shower.

10. Don’t let Larry use your toothbrush. He will want to so you might have to hide it but trust me don’t even let him touch it. It will taste like garlic. Actually, don’t date Larry. He keeps food in his briefcase and lies about it and then gets mad at me when I ask what that smell is.