Sex Questions

I already know my parents do it.

I was supposed to be home at eight last night, but I got back early because James’s mom was too tired to cook. She got us a bucket of crispy chicken instead and we ate it way faster than regular food. She dropped me off at like 7:30. Anyway, I said “hey” when I walked in the door, but nobody answered, so I went upstairs and that’s when I heard ‘em. I thought it would be cool to watch. It wasn’t.

The worst part is, my mom saw me. She didn’t say anything last night, but this morning after my dad got up from breakfast to go poop, mom said “hey Donny you know you can ask me anything right?”

And I was like “Aww, man.”

And she was like “I mean it Donny. Anything. Your dad too.”

And I was just thinking please stop talking, please stop talking, but she just had to keep talking. She said, “you know, like all your sex questions.”

Then dad shouted from the bathroom “hey what are you guys talking about?”

I yelled “nothing,” but then mom yelled, “Donny has questions about sex!”

Then it got quiet and dad said “Cheryl do we really have to do this now? I mean the boy’s only nine.”

So I said “I’m ten.”

And he said “okay so what do you want to know?” and then he flushed the toilet.

I said “nothing,” and then mom said, “honey, Donny was watching us make love last night.”

So anyway, that’s why I’m here. So I don’t get traumatized. The thing is, I don’t feel bad. I could barely see anything, that’s why I was at the door for so long. And I really don’t have any sex questions. I mean, not for them. What they were doing didn’t look anything like the porn I watch at James’s house. We figured out the code to unlock all the good channels. I have questions for some of those people.

There’s a lot of weird shit out there. You know?

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The Undergroundhog

Lorelai was the most beautiful undergroundhog in all the underground. She had big puffy lips and her hair was so long she almost tripped on it all the time. She had no muffin tops or pimples at all. Not even one.

All the hot undergroundhog guys were totally into her. They carried her books and gave her gum. Everyone wanted to date her because she looked so much like Beyonce. That is everyone except for Pretzel.

Pretzel was Lorelai’s best friend. She really tried to like Lorelai, but like all best friends, she secretly hated her. Pretzel’s hair was chunky and short and she barely had any lips at all. No one ever gave Pretzel any gum. She wanted Lorelai gone.

One day, Prezel convinced Lorelai that she could be a model, but in order to do so, she’d have to run away and leave the underground.

Pretzel and Lorelai came out of the underground and walked over to the main road to New York City. Lorelai hugged Pretzel goodbye and started off down the road. A few seconds later, a big 18 wheeler truck came by and squashed Lorelai into the ground.

Pretzel cut the long hair from Lorelai’s smushed up body and made herself some realistic looking extensions. That night, she got pregnant for the first time.

Kids: If you want to be happy, you have to work for it. No one will love you for who you are unless you’re better than you are.

And remember, if you’re pretty, don’t ever leave your hole.

The end.

Primitive Survival Skills

Dear Tyler,

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I feel like we’re headed in different directions. I’m not saying we should break up, but I am looking for something else.

I mean… do you have any primitive survival skills at all?

I really don’t think you could make a fire. Surviving is all about believing in yourself and I just don’t feel that way about you. Like I’ve never killed a snake in person before, but I’m 100% sure I can do it. I know it’s hard for some people, but it’s easy for me. I can tell.

It just doesn’t seem fair. We’d have this amazing snake meal that would just be ruined because you can’t make fire.

Do you remember last week when I asked you to go up on the roof and clean the leaves out of the gutters and you said it was a bad idea because it was raining? I just can’t see myself committing long-term to someone who is so afraid of life.

How are you going to protect me? I feel like we’ll be out in the jungle and on the first day you’re going to eat poisonous berries and die and I’ll be all alone and pissed. I can’t believe how unprepared you are.

I definitely don’t think you’re a worthless person in general, but I see myself with more of a taller, survivor type of guy.

Can you even open a coconut?

Well anyway, let me know if you want me to pick up some Thai food on the way home.

Love,

Denise

Mother’s Day

Hi I am Lisa Sherdlinger and I am in Mr. Bigbelow’s writing class. I have learned so much about good writing. I used to just write about my life and my feelings, but Donald has helped me cut out all that boring stuff. Here is my first story from his class it is called Mother’s Day.

 

Mother’s Day

By: Lisa Sherdlinger

It was Mother’s Day, so Dan sent the kids away and made strong coffee. When Juliette woke up, the house was quiet and there were no dirty dishes in the sink. Dan was waiting for her in the kitchen. He looked younger and less bald than usual. He walked over to her in slow motion and handed her a cup of coffee. “I’ll be waiting for you upstairs whenever you’re ready for your 90 minute massage.”

The massage was so good that Juliette drooled on the bed. “That really turns me on,” said Dan. Then there was a knock at the bedroom door. It was Thor, the hot food bagger from Whole Foods. “Happy Mother’s Day, Juliette,” he said taking off all of his clothes including his socks. “I always knew you would look so sexy naked and without your kids.” Thor and Dan had a fight about how bad they each wanted Juliette for themselves. Thor won.

Then Thor and Juliette had passionate sex while Dan made dinner for everybody. After dinner Juliette drank some wine and watched TV and the guys built a new deck in the back of the house. It was the sexiest Mother’s Day ever.

 

The end.

Roommate Needed

If you’re reading this, I am still looking for a housemate. Please only respond if you are neat, drama free, single… and black. Race does not matter to me at all, but please be black. Also, must be open-minded.

Ideal housemate would be a funny, warm, educated, professional, beefy/athletic or at least somewhat fit man. I’m definitely looking for someone shy… or outgoing. Someone to have fun with, laugh with, and roughhouse with – a pal to chill with and a potential best friend. I’m open to being soul mates as well. But really, just friends is fine too.

Please do not contact me unless you are a normal person. You know what I mean. Regular normal. Not crazy normal. An emotionally and physically available, passionate man. It is okay if you are a foreigner, but please be black. For some reason Ukranian men keep replying to this ad. If you are not black PLEASE do not respond!

I’m smart and kind, and full of life. I don’t need any more disappointment. I am unique and virtuous. You must be as well. I like to work as a team. You do the dishes and I’ll dry them. Or, you know… I just don’t want this to be one of those roommate situations where you go sleep in your room and I sleep in mine.

I’m ready for some new adventures. Maybe we fall asleep in the living room watching Scrubs some nights- I don’t know. I have more canned goods than anyone you have ever met I promise. Really it’s like a store over here! Email me. There will be gifts.

 

-SpiritKitty69

Oscar Taladopia

My best friend is Oscar Taladopia because his house has a swimming pool covered with leaves and sometimes even floating cockroaches. Crunch! Sometimes we play shipwreck and dive for treasure at the bottom of the pool. Oscar’s dad throws in all sorts of great stuff for us to find. Yesterday we found 3 bottles from alcohol, some DVDs and a book. He said if we could find his hunting knife he would give us each a dollar. We are still looking. I love swimming at Oscar’s- we don’t even have to get out to pee.

Oscar’s dad is totally cool. He never makes us stop playing to eat dinner. He doesn’t even care if we eat! He wears a moustache and a bathrobe and he never makes us wash our hands. One time, we found a dead rat in Oscar’s kitchen and his dad let him keep it! My dad would never let me have a rat. Not even a dead one.

There is so much fun stuff to do at Oscar’s. Our favorite game is peeling the yellow paint off all the walls in Oscar’s room. Under the yellow it is blue and then under the blue it’s yellow again. My favorites are the big pieces of paint. I’m saving them to throw into the fire. Oscar’s dad makes giant fires in the backyard and we get to throw stuff inside of it. Last time we threw in a photo album and some lady clothes and Oscar’s dad cried. It was fun, but my favorite is when we throw popcorn seeds into the fire and popcorn flies out. Oscar’s dad says, “If you can catch ‘em you can eat ‘em!” I love that game.

Oscar’s house also has my favorite food. Spam. We eat it every time I come over. Oscar’s dad puts it on sticks for us to roast over the fire. It is the best food I have ever eaten. Sometimes when I am at school I think about eating Spam. I wish my mom knew how to make it. She just makes regular food. Oscar loves it. It’s funny because Oscar really likes coming to my house and I really like his. He says he likes that we have blankets and toilet paper and doors. He is my best friend but really, sometimes he is so weird.

How Do You Know I’m Not Michael Jordan?

Adam: Hey Mark, let me ask you something.

Mark: Yeah.

Adam: How do you know I’m not Michael Jordan?

Mark: Umm, because you’re Adam.

Adam: I know, but if you didn’t know me. How would you know I wasn’t Michael Jordan?

Mark: You mean, how does a person tell someone is not another person, or…?

Adam: Come on man, I’m being serious.

Mark: Because you’re not Michael Jordan! I know what Michael Jordan looks like.

Adam: But I’m wearing his jersey. His exact same jersey. The one he played in the last time he played basketball. I bought one just like it. There is no difference at all.

Mark: Okay…

Adam: So, how would you know who I was?

Mark: Because I can see your face and you don’t look like Michael Jordan.

Adam: Do you think people really pay attention to that?

Mark: To what?

Adam: The face?

Mark: Yeah. Especially with someone like Jordan. Look, I think I have a cardboard cut out of him in my garage. Lets stand him next to you so you can see for yourself.

Adam: Okay.

(They go get the cut out of Michael Jordan and bring it into the bathroom to stand it next to Adam in the mirror)

Mark: Well, what do you think?

Adam: I don’t know. It’s hard to say. I mean, he’s wearing his old jersey. It’s really distracting.

Mark: Ok Adam, what about the fact that you look nothing like him?

Adam: I don’t know. I think that could be me.

Mark: He’s like a foot taller than you.

Adam: In cardboard. But maybe not in person. Do you know how short Tom Cruise is? He is 4’6”. But you can’t tell in the movies.

Mark: Michael Jordan isn’t in the movies. He played basketball. In real life. Next to other real tall guys.

Adam: He was in one movie. Space Jam. I couldn’t tell if he was tall or not.

Mark: You mean next to the cartoons?

Adam: Yeah. It was hard to tell. It could have been me.

Mark: Do you think it was you?

Adam: I think we should go outside.

Mark: Why?

Adam: I want to see if people think I’m him.

Mark: Are you sure you want to go outside like that?

Adam: Like what?

Mark: Never mind. Yeah. Let’s go outside.

They go outside. People start noticing Adam and pointing and whispering.

Adam: So, what does it feel like?

Mark: What?

Adam: Being seen in public with Michael Jordan.

Mark: You’re not Michael Jordan.

Adam: Oh no? Why is everyone staring at me?

Mark: Because you’re pointing at yourself and you’re not wearing any pants.

Adam: Look how long this jersey is. I don’t need pants.

Mark:  Michael Jordan would wear pants with it.

Adam: Shit. I gotta get back inside.

Mark: Go home.

Stella’s Revenge

It was 2:35pm and instead of going home like the rest of her classmates, Stella Werbler found herself sitting once again on that hard wooden bench outside Principal Heaving’s office. She could hear Tomino’s whiny voice coming from inside the office. She rolled her eyes. She knew she was about to get detention and Tomino would once again get a pad of multi colored neon post it notes or some other treasure. He always got off easy because he was such a good whiner and everyone felt sorry for him for being named Tomino. Everyone but Stella. She knew the truth about Tomino.

He was an ass. He tortured her. He would walk over to her smiling and acting all sweet and then grab all of her Hello Kitty erasers and wipe them on his sweaty neck. They didn’t erase right after that. They would slip out of her fingers and leave dark streaks on the page. Her whole pencil case stunk. He did this every day. This morning, for some reason, it upset her more than usual. So she waited until all the kids went out for recess and she peed in his backpack. Halfway through fourth period, Tomino started yelling that his dad’s ipad wouldn’t turn on and it smelled like pee. Stella felt a little bad because she didn’t know that the ipad had been inside the backpack.

Mrs. Frinkel made a big deal about it and yelled at the whole class. She said that the guilty party better confess or the cops would come cuff them and take them away. She said that there were ways of knowing whose pee it was. Stella started panicking and her face turned all red. She was afraid to make eye contact with anyone so she shut her eyes tight. Mrs. Frinkel asked her if she was okay and why her eyes were shut. Stella said “Shit.” A girl named Wynetta started yelling “It was her it was her- I know it was her!” Stella had been known to bite and steal a bit, so Mrs. Frinkel automatically believed Wynetta. She sent Tomino and Stella to Principal Heaving’s office to clear things up. Tomino of course got to tell his side of the story first.

Stella was plotting her next move. If she couldn’t convince Heaving of her innocence, she was going to really punish Tomino. She couldn’t get his stupid face out of her mind and every minute that went by she just got madder and madder. The door opened. Principal Heaving looked at Stella and said “Ms. Werbler you are free to go.” Stella looked up surprised. Tomino smiled at her. Together they walked back to class to pick up their things. Tomino whispered, “I know it was you, but don’t worry I won’t say anything. I don’t want to get my girlfriend in trouble.” Stella opened her mouth to object, but no words came out. She was confused and a little nervous, but after five more steps by Tomino’s side, she found that she was also kind of happy. She finally managed to say, “I’m sorry I peed on your ipad.”  Tomino shrugged, “That’s okay. Its not mine- its my dad’s.”

Hot Room Nap Dream

Ryan Reynolds, a male lion, and eight dogs (all different kinds) were lying out on the lawn in front of my dad’s house. Ryan was trying to take a selfie with his phone to put on facebook, but he couldn’t get enough of the animals in the picture. He asked me to take a picture of them. I tried, but he was moving around too much so it was hard to get a good shot. He kept fake-fighting the lion and then the lion really started mauling him. Ryan kept laughing like everything was fine. I felt bad because I knew he wasn’t going to like how the shots were coming out. They were all blurry and he was getting mauled for no reason. I gave him his phone back. Then he and all the animals went inside to help my dad get ready for his audition. There were so many of them and they really wanted to help my dad. It was a sweet gesture, but all I could think about was that my dad was not going to be happy about all those dogs in his house.

Then I am lying in bed and my mom is rubbing some white goo on my cuticles. She says its good stuff she stole from the hospital, but she only has enough for one of my hands. She then tells me I should think about getting out of bed and giving Ryan his phone back. His lawyers are calling. They want to delete all of the pictures. I told her I had given the phone back, but she was right, I had it in my hand. We decided to look through his contacts to see if there was anyone cool we wanted to talk to before we gave the phone back. We tried a few numbers, but all of Ryan’s friends had really bad speech impediments. We couldn’t understand any of them. Then my mom said, “ I don’t understand why Ryan Gosling is friends with these people.” I said, “he’s not. These are Ryan Reynolds’s friends.” “Oh,” she said looking relieved, “Okay. Well, make sure you give the phone back.”

Grilled Cheese and Love

I ate lunch with the kids from my art class today. I do this every Monday after art because I get to spend more time with the kids, because by the time I finish the class I am starving, and because Monday is grilled cheese sandwich day. Real grilled cheese. With butter.

Today I did not sit down to eat right away. Though I was eager to wolf down the grilled cheese that was waiting for me in the kitchen, I still had some cleaning up to do in the art room. As I was picking up bits of string and paper, I heard one of the teachers tell two boys to settle down and keep their hands to themselves. This is not unusual. It is something that we say to the kids at least once during each meal. I kept cleaning.

I heard the teacher tell the same boys not to touch each other’s plates or cups or bodies while at the table. Then I heard another teacher tell them the same thing a minute later. This got my attention. Not because of the amount of times the teachers had to repeat themselves, but because there were no accompanying screams, whines or sobs. I walked over to where the kids were eating, expecting to see the beginning of a fight or some sort of antagonistic behavior. Instead, they were each grinning and bouncing with excitement in their chairs.

I grabbed my sandwich and sat on a stool directly across the room from the boys. They were facing each other and giggling.   One teacher asked the boys if they were finished eating. This calmed them down and they returned their attention to their lunch. I watched them closely. They were eating quietly, smiling, chewing. They were happy. Really quiet, and really happy.  I kept watching. It was weird. Why were they suddenly following directions so well? Then I realized that they were holding hands under the table.

One of the other teachers noticed as well and we just sat there looking at them in awe. She whispered to me that one of the boys had been gone on vacation and this was the first time these guys had seen each other in two weeks. Needless to say, they were overjoyed at having been reunited; so overjoyed that they could not contain themselves. They soon forgot about their grilled cheese and proceeded to touch each other’s arms, pull at each other’s sleeves, and touch their heads together.

I’ve never seen anything like it.