Dear Wendy

Dear Wendy,

 

I am doing ALOT of drugs now so I need to know is Heidi staying at your house or not? I didn’t cheat on her with that “girl” so TELL HER THAT!!!!!! Don’t make this personal (like you always do). You and me broke up a long time ago get over it already. And if you remember I cheated on you ONE time and I felt really bad aka BROKEN HEARTED but you can’t forgive a man… But I am different now and Heidi is my one and only 4LIFE but I cant wait 4EVER. Fuck bitches. All bitches do is make me take ALOT of drugs. I dont give a fuck. Hey Wendy do you think that Heidi will take me back? If she says no then do you want to kick it?  Rob told me you went on a diet and got FINE. Is it true that you are not fat anymore? If yes then how come you waited until we broke up to get FINE?  That is fucked up but its cool tho Im not mad at you baby. If Heidi isn’t staying with you do you want me to come over? I can come stay with you if you want. I got fired from my job so I have lots of time to do “stuff” to you if you know what I mean. I know you remember the good times!! Lets have some more good times!!! Alright? Ill just come over later.

 Love you honeyheart, Matt


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Rats!

She seemed normal enough. Well, she was the only one behind the counter and I needed my super-fit makeup so she would have to do. She matched my color on the first try and I forgave her for wearing blue eye shadow and red lipstick. She recommended a good face wash for me and complimented my skin. Her name was Melissa.
It was only upon checkout that we started to chat and things got out of hand. I told her I was a painter and that I had an art show coming up. I showed her a flyer with a painting of mine. She said “Oh that’s nice but could you change that fish to a rat? I have two rats. Do you think you could paint them for me?”
Up until this point my mother was standing beside me picking at her nails, gazing absentmindedly around the department store. I did not even think she was listening to us but before I could respond to Melissa’s question my mom whipped her head around and yelled “rats!” and then a little softer “rats? like rats?”
“Oh yes” answered Melissa, “they are like mice but smarter.” Trying to compensate for the about to vomit look on my mother’s face, I quickly added “they’re not sewer rats mom; she got them at a store.” Melissa nodded in agreement as my mom shook her head in disbelief. “You paid for rats? Why?” I stared down at the floor and tried to hold back my laughter as Melissa explained why rats made for great company to my mom, whose opinion of rats is greatly influenced by the black plague.
By the time we left the store, Melissa was offended, my mom was disgusted and I was just happy to get out of there. We went to drop our things off at the car to continue shopping. It was not until a few hours later that I checked my purchase and saw that Melissa had given me the wrong color foundation and I would have to go back. Rats! (That’s right. I went there.)